Reflections

A new year doesn't usually really do much for me. Call me boring but I am usually in bed before midnight hits. The way I have always seen it is just that it is another January that will be followed by another February and so on. My parents never cared much for New Year's and I guess I am carrying on the tradition. But something is different this year. I have really been reflecting back on the last year and all it has meant to me. I swear that every year teaches me more than the previous one but this year, I really think this year takes the cake. The biggest lessons I've learned this year are the ones of patience and forgiveness. I certainly have not perfected either one but this was the first time that my sanity depended on me really staring forgiveness in the face and taking it on. I am not just talking forgiveness of others but also forgiveness of myself for things I feel I could have and should have done differently. I have never before been in a place where unforgiveness was making me so much less of a person than I knew I was capable of being. Sometimes things happen in life and there is no way to make rhyme or reason of them. No matter how hard you try to understand, you just can't. You scream, you cry, you bargain, and in the end none of that works and you just end up right back where you started. And then you begin to understand that people are people. And then you begin to see that most people do the best they knew how to do at the time. If they had known better then they would have done better. (Maya Angelou has some quote about this but I am currently too lazy to look it up) This includes me. And then you realize that you have to forgive. That is what this year taught me. These decisions to forgive myself and others have brought me more peace than I ever knew existed. Although this has been a particularly hard year, it is one that will never be forgotten.

I had an OB appointment and ultrasound today. Gabe still looks great and as of next week we will be to goal #1- 28 weeks. I will have another appointment and ultrasound in 2 weeks. Our next big goal is 32 weeks. Anything after that is icing on the cake. Dr. Cummings and I had a really long talk today. I swear I love that man. He is like an OB, therapist, and teddy bear all wrapped up in one. I think he may be the only person on earth who gets how emotionally hard all of this really is. As we were sitting and talking today I had some huge ah-ha moments. I was telling him how my biggest fears are that things will go like last time. I was sick last time, nobody disputed that fact. But just how sick, well, that was difficult to tell. There was never one huge red flag that stuck out . It was more of a combination of things that all together added up to something huge. I told him that I am afraid the same thing will happen, that I will limp along and keep holding on without any huge red flags and this baby will meet the same fate as the last. I told him that a full term baby is no where near as important to me as a healthy baby. A few NICU weeks versus a lifetime of doctors appointments and hospital stays is in my opinion a no brainer. He assured me that he "gets" cases like mine and that especially after 32 weeks that if even 1 hair looks out of place that will be it. After that time, his threshold for delivery will be low. And then it struck me. These are decisions that are easy to make knowing now what we know about how my body works. Had Dr. K had this type of information last time, his decisions might have been different too. He didn't have a bad experience to look at to make things better. He unfortunately had nothing to go off of and had to do the best he could with the information he had. Do I still think things should have been done differently? Yes, clearly I do. But this is all in hindsight and decisions and thoughts based on hindsight are so much easier because the outcome is already known. I have always been so certain that had I had a different doctor that things would have been better. If I had only gone to an OB and MFM and not a family practice physician... But who is really to say it would be any different? So I really had to sit and consider these things today and it was a tough pill to swallow. As I have continued to pray that my forgiveness would go deeper and deeper I had no idea would that would mean and to where God would lead me. So MK, if you ever read this I need you to know this. While I have been sitting around blaming you and being angry and then forgiving but still somewhere down deep hoping that someday maybe you would apologize for what happened and for some of the things you said after the fact that maybe I owe you an apology too. I have been holding you to a standard that you never had a chance to measure up to. I held you to a standard of perfection but you are only human and that wasn't fair of me. For that I am truly sorry. I doubt that the chance to ever tell you that face to face will happen so this is the best I can do right now. It is so hard to admit sometimes that I am wrong but I think in order to continue to follow the path God has set out for me that I must be obedient to him and this is where this journey has taken me. It has taken me not only to a place of forgiving others but also of admitting where I have been wrong.

Did I ever imagine at the beginning of 2010 that I'd be where I am now? NO WAY!!! But am I glad I've been doing the work and taken the journey? You betcha...

Happiness

Not much to say here except that this was a fabulous Christmas. Christmas Eve night Anna slept in her own bed all night without waking up. That in and of itself was a Christmas miracle! Before going to bed she kept telling me to get home faster (from my great grandmother's house) "cos Santa Kauz es comin." Carly was so excited and had a lot of trouble falling asleep. The kids were of course spoiled rotten by us and everyone else. They were very good about saying "thank you" to everyone without prompting from us which made me feel like we are doing something right. Santa brought Carly a bike and the radio she wanted. He brought Anna her tricycle and TMX Elmo. They got a ton of other stuff, too. It looks like Toys R US vomited all over our living room. It is so funny what their favorite things end up being. Carly loved this Build-A-Bear that she was able to stuff and sew herself. Anna loved her Elmo sippy cups that Carly bought for her. Things were so laid back this year and for that I am so thankful. The rushing around stresses me out and it was nice to not have to do it this year. I hope your holiday was just as nice...

A Baby Changes Everything

'Twas the night before Christmas in the Watson house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The Children were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads...

We hope and pray that the miracle of Christmas brings you joy and peace the whole year long!

Separation

No, no, no...not my marriage. It is as strong and wonderful as ever. I am speaking of my pelvis. It has done the same thing this time as it did last time only way earlier. It hurts like hell and I am not happy about the fact that this is how it will be until Gabe comes. If you wonder why I blog all of the pregnancy details it is so that if after getting my tubes tied and Kenneth getting a vasectomy I suddenly have a moment of weakness and want everything reversed, I will look back at all this and be reminded why that decision would likely and should likely land me in the state's mental health facility for the criminally insane. (Wow, nice run on sentence!) And yes, after Gabe, Kenneth and I will both be getting fixed. I know too many people who have done one or the other and still ended up with more kids. We cannot have any more kids. If you have children and are a woman and have been fortunate enough not to have this pelvic dysfunction you should be on your knees thanking God right at this very second! I have been off of work for 5 or 6 weeks now and have yet to be placed on bedrest. I was threatened tonight with hospital bedrest if I don't start taking it easier. Thank goodness my shopping is done so I can chill now! We have also been working on the girls' room and getting it ready to move them into so we can get the nursery done. I will not tell you much more until it is totally done. It is so cute though and I can't wait until the furniture is delivered tomorrow. Anna will finally have her own big girl bed. I hope she will sleep in it and I hope this mama can let go of her seizure fears enough to let her sleep in it. Carly got to pick out the bedding and is so excited to have had some decision making power in the decorating. I can't wait. The before and after pictures will be coming soon! Anna got her Sure Steps yesterday and they are amazing! I did not realize how unsteady she was until now. With them on she is much more steady and seems to be walking in less of a crouched wide spaced gait. She doesn't mind them and wants to put them on by herself. Not much else going on but I think I better get to bed before Presby Denton becomes my new home...

The Sure Steps

Getting To The Bottom Of It

I had spoken to the principal awhile back about my thoughts that Carly is dyslexic. You have to understand that we are in a VERY small district and perhaps the programs to help that would be in a regular size district are just not there in ours. Anyway, I have tried to be patient. (Hold that thought, there is a Jehovah's Witness at the door.) OK, quickly taken care of. I politely refused to listen to her Watchtower message. So back to the whole school issue. Carly has been in tutoring and we have seen some vast improvements in her. Her reading is much better and her spelling is also to some degree. But her letter writing is not any better. Things are still just as backwards and upside down as they always were. On Wednesday night we studied Carly's spelling words and she knew them. There are 12 total. She went to school Thursday and took her pre-test. If they make a 100 on the pre-test then they do not have to take the test on Friday. When Carly got home we asked how she did and she said she missed 10 of the 12. She also forgot to bring the test and her folder home (but that is a whole other battle we are dealing with). I always tell Carly that I do not expect perfection from her, but that I always expect her to do her best. Every morning when I drop her off at school I remind her to have a good day and do her best. She was crying about the test and saying how she had done her best. I of course told her that I knew she had not done her best because she knew the words the night before. After much ado we went up to the school and got the test. Guess what? She had done her best. She had correctly spelled all 12 words but had written all of her "s" backwards and one"d" backwards as well. The teacher counted them all wrong because they were backwards. I was pissed! Kenneth and I went up to the school this morning and had a meeting with the Principal. We decided to go in with a kind attitude figuring it would get us further, and it did. The Principal agreed that Carly deserved at the very least a chance to rewrite the backwards letters and that she should get credit for spelling the words correctly. I think she finally saw what we are dealing with here and we are finally going to get somewhere. We do not have an exact plan yet but it will be finalized after Christmas break. I feel relieved. I was so heartbroken for Carly who really had tried so hard and then despite doing well was told that still wasn't good enough. I do not expect her to not have to do the work, I just expect that she will be given a little extra time and some extra help with the letters she finds so difficult. Last night we did not work on spelling, we worked on writing her letters and she seemed very eager to do them right. I pray this may help us to get to the root of the problem and help her.

Anna came home from daycare sick on Tuesday afternoon. Turns out she had strep. Thank God it is still so responsive to antibiotics. She is well and back at school today. She started ballet and tap this week and had a blast. The next day she was really having a hard time walking. I think she had to use some muscles she isn't used to using. I am so glad her Sure Steps will be in Monday so that we will have them before her next ballet class.

I have an OB appointment this afternoon. My blood pressures have been all over the place so who knows what will happen when I get there. Gabe is as active as ever so I think he is still doing fine. Lets keep it that way...

UPDATE- My appointment went ok. My blood pressures are more and more labile which my Dr. says means they are about to really jump up and stay up. He told me to take it easy as much as I can and enjoy the next 2 weeks because after that the wild ride is likely to begin. I am thankful we will hopefully get a peaceful holiday. I have another appointment and ultrasound on the 29th. I hope to not see the doctor or hospital again until then...

Busy Bees

I spent Friday evening in labor and delivery again. It was the 3rd time in 4 weeks. I am not liking the trend at all. I felt fortunate to get to come home again though. My doctor seems a little less optimistic with every visit. delivery is looking like it will be earlier and earlier with each time we meet. I am still hopeful to hold out to 30 weeks. I am somewhere between 24-25 now. Please continue to pray for baby Gabe that he will tolerate his environment and hold on until it is safe for him to be born.

Anna's physical therapy evaluation went well last week. Basically, she needs PT but cannot get it through the school because to qualify for school PT, your need has to impact your ability to function in school. Anna will do OK in a school setting. She is just kind of awkward. The PT was awesome though and told me where we could go for private PT if we wanted or if not she showed me a ton of stuff we can do at home. I think given all that is currently going on we will stick with the home stuff for now and see how she does. The Amtryke they are getting her should actually help a lot too so I am hopeful maybe we can keep the PT at home. I want to always do what she needs but anything we can do at home and avoid traveling for is a bonus. Anna's hamstrings are really tightening up and we have got to really work on stretching. The PT also showed me some things to do before bed with Anna to maybe help her sleep better. I started last night and she did seem to sleep well. I do not know if it was the exercises, a fluke, or just her exhaustion from a busy weekend but it did work well. She also told us to get Anna some Under Armour type clothes to sleep in because sometimes the pressure can help with rest. I will do what I can to fit that into the budget as well.

After her PT eval I took Anna to a local Prosthetics and Orthotics (P&O) place. The people there could not have been any nicer and seemed quite knowledgeable. The bonus is that the guy that owns the place used to do P&O for Cook Children's which is where we go. So I feel like I am getting quality work from someone who understands kids without having to drive so far. He fitted Anna with something called Sure Steps. They are an SMO (Supra Malleolar Orthotic) versus an AFO (Ankle Foot Orthotic). It is much smaller and allows for much more use of Anna's own muscles. We will pick them up next Monday and hope for the best. They are for low tone kids which is what Anna is. Anna got to pick out the pattern and they are cute. They have little bumble bees on them. I am hopeful they will help her. He also suggested we get back to the ortho because he thinks part of her problem is coming from her hips. The place is called Alliance Prosthetics and Orthotics and I just do not have enough good things to say about them.

Anna's follow up from eye patching is next week. Her eye does not seem much better to me except when the patch is on. On one hand I would like to patch a little longer and see if it helps but then I look at the financial side and if we go ahead and have the surgery this year it will be paid at 100% because we have met our total out of pocket. I will be interested to see what Dr. Norman thinks. I am pretty sure he said if the patching had not fixed things by her next appointment that it wouldn't help but I cannot remember for sure. I've slept since then.

I am also taking the girls to the dentist next week. Carly has a cavity that has to be filled. She does well and actually likes the dentist. Anna is having her first cleaning. Please pray for the dentist, this should be fun...

Sassy?

While getting ready for church this morning these were the attitudes I encountered

Lord, guide me today and everyday as I try to be the best mother for these girls that I can be. Guide their hearts and their lives that they may always love you and hold you near. Thank you for your blessings! Amen

Overwhelming Kindness

I don't even know how to begin to tell you how emotional yesterday made me. I took Anna for her physical therapy evaluation. I'll get to that part later. While we were there Anna fell in love with a Tricycle they had there. It is called an Amtryke. They are bikes for special needs kids. They cost anywhere from $350-800. There is just no way we could afford it. It would help Anna so much though. It makes both sides of the brain really work together. The sweet PT has donated one to Anna and it will be under the tree from Santa on Christmas morning. I cannot tell you what this means to us. It is so hard to not be able to afford all of the things that might help my child overcome her special needs. We are so blessed to have such amazing people in our path and in our lives. I want to update on Anna's PT evaluation and her new AFOs but I will not take away from the awesomeness of this post so that update will come later.

Growing Old?

My trip to Lubbock was the best worst trip it could have been. It was horrible to watch Rachel and her family grieve the loss of their mother/wife/sister but it was awesome to see them all and to also see some old friends. I am glad I was able to go but was just as glad to return home. In my younger days I loved to take a road trip or just get away but things are so different now. I am such a home body. I do not like to be away from my husband and kids. On Friday when it was time to leave for the airport I found myself not wanting to leave. It wasn't because I was going to a funeral or any other reason other than I just like to be at home. Does that make me old? Who cares- I don't.

Things are fairly calm on the home front (dare I say it). Anna has her PT/OT evaluations this week but other than that I think this week should be fairly calm. She has her first speech therapy tomorrow since our break so I hope that goes well. She continues to amaze me everyday with her vocabulary. Her imagination has really taken off, too. Now, if we could just cure the whole sleep thing. As I medicated her tonight I realized again how crazy it really is. She gets 400 mg Tegretol, 300 mg Neurontin, and 50 mg Trazodone at night and that kid can still go strong for hours. If you know anything about medicine you know that is a lot for anybody at once- especially a 29 lb child. But we will press on and hope someday she will sleep well or at least learn to soothe herself more or just get up and turn the TV on and watch it when she wakes up. Thank God Carly is a good sleeper and I pray Gabe will be also. Thank God Carly is just such a good kid all around!

At my last ultrasound Gabe still looked good but is dropping percentiles in weight already. I was so certain in the beginning that I would not want any intervention if he had to be born too early but now I am not so sure. I have already grown so attached to him and now that we are at the stage of viability I really am not sure what I would do. I pray it is not a decision we have to face. Gabe gave me a little scare while I was on my trip. He is usually really active a lot of the day. On Saturday I did not feel him move at all during the day. I tried drinking cold juice and still nothing. I finally went and laid on my left side and after about 45 minutes he finally started kicking again. He needs to understand he can't be doing that stuff...

How Did It Happen

How did this baby grow up so fast? Anna will be 3 tomorrow. We decided just to have her party at her school since that is where her friends are and it is unlikely that those friends would come to a party outside of school. 2 and 3 year olds just don't party that much outside of school. She wanted Elmo cupcakes and that is what she got. We had Elmo balloons and her main gift was a Play Doh Toy Factory. She was so excited and I honestly think this was the perfect party. It was not overwhelming to her at all. I think I finally learned after having parties for Carly that too many people, gifts ,and time make for an overwhelmed and whiney kid. Anna thought this was perfect and so did I. We came home and she has played with her Play Doh since. I look at where we have been with Anna over the past 3 years and I genuinely thank God for every day of her life, even the ones I thought might kill her or me or both of us. The lessons she has taught me are plentiful and I know that Anna has not only made me a better mother but also a better person. Her life has never been "normal" and I am so thankful for that. I hope that she always knows that no matter how much I have cried, worried, or complained about how rough things were sometimes that I never regret a day of it and would do it all over again to have her here with us!

I had another ultrasound today and this was the one we took Carly to. She was unimpressed with the sono itself since the pictures are hard to decipher. She was however quite happy to learn that she is having a brother. They printed her off her own picture of his face and she couldn't wait to get home and hang it up in her room. The baby still looks good. They called me a little while after we left and said we will need to have another sono done in 4 weeks. They said it was just to monitor growth but of course since they called me after we had already left and didn't tell me while we were there it kind of made me start wondering if something is wrong. I had to talk myself down and remind myself that if something was wrong they would address it now and that they are just monitoring growth. I hate that I second guess everything. I spent a few hours in labor and delivery again this week with high pressures but Dr. Cummings thinks it is stress related and will get better after I get back from Lubbock and the funeral is over. My labs are ok and the baby looks ok too. He actually told me just to not check my pressures anymore until I am back from my trip. He ok'd the trip and said I will actually probably be worse off if I don't go because I will stress out about being here when I feel like I should be there. I love that he is an awesome doctor but is also just a kind human being and understands what is going on. My flight to Lubbock leaves tomorrow. I pray things go well with my travel and my body while I am gone. I hate that the occasion is so sad but I am going to get to see some friends I haven't seen since I went to Tech so that will be nice. I told Kenneth not to worry- Baby Gabe and I will be the designated drivers and will not get into any trouble- far cry from my college days in Lubbock where I stayed in trouble. I have come a long way...

2 Rounds Of Turkey And A Tree

Watching the parade on Thanksgiving morning

Eating brownie mix while we cooked

Kenneth told Carly this was our whole tree.

We all got a good laugh out of it.

Anna's thoughts on putting up the tree...at nap time

We had a great Thanksgiving Day yesterday! We have so much to be thankful for that I cannot even begin to list it all. We went to 2 different Thanksgiving lunches so that we could be with both families. We were stuffed and came home and took it easy for the rest of the day. We all went to bed a bit early and I don't think anyone minded that a bit.

The girls were more than ready to get the tree put up today and to tell the truth Kenneth and I were pretty excited too. It warms my heart to see my kids decorating the tree. Carly kept talking about it being a celebration of the birth of Jesus. She and Anna also had fun setting up the nativity scene. There are a few wise men that are now headless but nothing a little super glue can't fix. Maybe it is genetic because I broke the head off of one of my parent's wise men on their scene as well when I was a child. The finished tree looks beautiful!

Anna's neurology appointment went well but if I ever schedule an appointment in Ft Worth the day before a holiday again I think I will punish myself. There was a bad wreck on 35 on my way home and it was shut down. What should have been a 1 1/2 hour trip home took about 4 hours. Basically Dr. Hernandez said that Anna's EEG was somewhat inconclusive but based on symptoms and history she will have to be medicated for seizures. The EEG is only a part of the diagnosis. She will have to be completely seizure free and free of any seizure type symptoms for 2 years before she can come off the medicine. He also said she needs PT on her right leg/foot badly. I told him we already have an evaluation set up with the school district in the next few weeks. I think that was about the gist of it. All in all it was a good appointment. We don't have to go back for 4 months so that is really good news!

As we were busy putting our tree up and getting it decorated I received a phone call from my best friend Rachel. We probably talk no less than 1000 times a day so it wasn't anything unusual. She had gone out of town today to pick up a cat (long story) in New Braunfels and I thought she was probably calling to tell me she had the cat and was headed home. Instead she called to tell me that she had just gotten a call that her mom had died. Rachel just lost her dad very unexpectedly less than 2 years ago. Her parents divorced when Rachel was very young but they were the perfect example of how divorced parents should act. They shared the kids and never said a bad word about the other in front of the kids. Anyway, her mom laid down to take a nap and never woke up. My heart is breaking for her and her family. Rachel has an older sister, a 17 year old brother, and a sweet step dad who reminds me a lot of my own dad. I will be heading to Lubbock in a few days to say goodbye and support Rachel in whatever way I can.

So on this day after Thanksgiving I am most thankful for every day I am granted on this earth and for the family and friends I have to share them with...

Uneventful? Is It Possible?

I had an OB appointment yesterday and it was unbelievably uneventful. My blood pressure was up a bit but nothing alarming and no need for more medicine yet. Gabe's heartbeat was still strong and steady. I have another ultrasound on December 2 and that will be the one where Carly gets to go with me and find out she is officially having a brother. Thank God for yet another week of gestation down. What a blessing!

We rearranged (when I say we I of course mean Kenneth) our living room furniture yesterday. I am amazed at how much space a new arrangement of furniture can have! I secretly think Kenneth is nesting. I hope it continues!

Our nephew and his friend have been staying with us this week while they are out of school. They are really good kids and give me hope for the future. Sure, they are teenage boys, but they are polite and well mannered and great with my kids. My nephew's friend was telling me how he doesn't really know his dad and how he tries to call him a lot but his dad is just not interested. It made my heart ache for him. I hope somehow this house can be a soft place for these kids to fall when they need it. We watched MTV together and talked about a lot of teenage stuff. It made me more and more thankful for my husband and the father that he is.

Anna's teacher remarked today that Anna has just been "off" lately. I have noticed too and also noticed she is drooling a lot again. Her neurology follow up from her video EEG is tomorrow so hopefully we can find some answers. I am not excited about driving to Cook's amidst the holiday traffic but it will be worth it.

A coworker of mine died over the weekend. It is too horrible to even write about how she was found. It has been ruled a suicide but is quite suspicious sounding. She always seemed so happy at work and it just really was a reality check. You just never know what other people are going through. Kenneth worked a suicide of a young girl last week also. I think about how low these people must have felt and how alone and although I think suicide is so selfish, I am truly saddened that they felt there was no other choice. I try really hard to be a kind person and I hope that maybe in these sweet girls' deaths that we can all learn a little about being kind to eachother. You never know what is going on underneath it all..

Normal Parenting Stuff Is Hard Too!

I spoke with Dr. Cummings nurse to let her know to be expecting to get records requests and FMLA papers from my work and the disability insurance company. She said that although I had not officially been told to take off work yet that Dr Cummings feels I made a wise decision and that we are doing the right thing. That made me feel a little better about being off. She said it is just a matter of time before being off is no longer a choice and it is better to do it now when we can plan vs later when it becomes an emergency. I can remember at first being really frustrated with his office staff but I have grown to really like them. The nurse has been really helpful.

We went to Carly's Thanksgiving lunch at school yesterday. I was supposed to have to work and wasn't going to be able to go. Carly was so excited that I made it. She is thrilled that I am off work. There is this little girl in her class that wants to be her friend so bad. The little girl is new to the school and doesn't have any friends. The problem is that the little girl is not very nice. She also has very little respect for boundaries. She has stolen food out of Carly's lunch when she wasn't looking. I really want my kids to be nice and I have encouraged Carly to try to include this little girl and to understand that she is trying to fit in. Carly flat out does not want to be her friend. Carly is a sweet kid who happily includes Ashley who has Down's Syndrome and Caleb who is autistic in everything she does. So where do I draw the line and honor my child's choices for friends? Maybe the new little girl is really not a nice kid and Carly knows that and doesn't want to be a part of it? I am very conflicted about how to handle the situation. So after witnessing the girls' behavior yesterday I changed to telling Carly to be nice and speak nice words but that she does not have to be her friend and include her in everything. I hope I am doing the right thing. Sometimes the simplest parenting things can be so hard....

Home For The Holidays

The visit with the cardiologist went well. My echo was normal except for a small pericardial effusion which is too small to do anything about and may have even been there for awhile. It was nice to go to a Dr. appointment and be told something was normal! My blood pressure was great yesterday but I rested most of the day. Today it is up again since I have been out and about. My mom requested that I please not go back to my 12 hour shifts at work. I called the employee health nurse who was, let's just say, less than helpful, to find out what I needed to do to go on light duty. She informed me that there is no light duty for pregnant women. There is light duty for anything else, but not pregnancy. She said the reason is because with light duty you have to be able to return to work within 12 weeks without restrictions and in pregnancy that just isn't going to happen. I told her politely what I thought about that. She is completely unwilling to work with me even though I am not requesting light duty because I am pregnant and just want easier work- I actually have a medical necessity. So after talking to my boss and Kenneth we decided it would just be best for me to go ahead and go on short term disability. We decided a few more weeks worth of work is not worth the risk to myself and baby Gabe. The disability will pay 60% of my pay for up to 6 months. It will be an adjustment but we will make it. Last time we survived without any disability and me not having any income for almost 6 months so we can certainly do it this time. We will cut back on eating out and decrease our Internet speed and satellite channels and those type of things plus I will not be using over $100 worth of gas per week like I do now. I think it is a totally doable thing. Heck, I may even learn to clip a coupon or two. God has always provided and I know he will continue to do so. I shed a few tears today just because I had really hoped things would go better this time, but they aren't and I just have to accept that for what it is. I will try to use this time to rest and also to enjoy being home with the kids. It will be nice to hopefully be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Thank God I have such a loving and supportive husband, family, and group of friends. You guys keep me going...

Hooray

Good news!!!! My 24 hour urine came back at 224 so this was just a need for more/different medicine and not the dreaded PE. I can go back to work. I am still to see the cardiologist on Thursday. I am to call in if my pressures are higher than 140/84. Dr Cummings is hopeful that the Procardia will make my pressures behave. I am so excited to go home and see Kenneth and my sweet girls. God is so good!

Waiting for 6:30

I had a good night and got some good sleep. My blood pressure is still behaving nicely with the Procardia. My headache is a bit better but still there. My swelling is gone. My 24 hour urine will be complete at about 6:30 pm. Dr Cummings said the plan all hinges on my 24 hr urine results. If it is negative for protein then I can go home and continue to work for a little while longer. If it is positive he said we will discuss the plan at that point. I know if it is positive for protein then things will become day to day at that point. My sister reminded me that the Angel Gabriel always brought good news and I am praying this sweet baby Gabriel will do the same.

So It Goes

My blood pressure hit 150/98, I had a bad headache, and my swelling was not improving. I called my doctor and am now in the hospital. The good news is that the baby looks good on ultrasound. I got new blood pressure medicine and my pressure has responded nicely. The bad news is that my head is still killing me and I have hyperreflexia. These can indicate cerebral edema. I am in the process of doing a 24 hour urine collection to see how my kidneys are holding up. I am terrified! I keep hearing babies being delivered and crying that sweet first cry and keep wondering if we will make it far enough to hear that. I am trying to stay upbeat but I am so scared!

The Crazy Train

I am more than half way there. I officially hit 20 weeks this past Friday. For most people this would be a time to sort of celebrate but if you have had preeclampsia (PE) this is the day when the fear sets in. Although PE can strike at 18-19 weeks it is very rare but at 20 weeks you are fair game. With Anna, it struck us at around 24 weeks. I cannot imagine that in 4 weeks from now would be the time that I went on bed rest with her. I cannot believe that in comparison that would mean I would be on bed rest until late March. That seems like forever away! I mean, that is forever away. This time has become so much more emotional for me than I ever imagined. I am so scared. I am terrified of the same scenario repeating itself. I am terrified the scenario might be worse. I got home last night after my shift and my legs were so swollen from the thighs down. Let me tell you, pitting edema is sexy!!! I didn't get too concerned and thought if I would just get off of them and sleep that they would get better. Not so much- they are just as bad this morning. My B/P is steadily on the rise. I see the cardiologist on Thursday and hope maybe that will yield some answers. My OB is already talking about me not working full time anymore. The hospital will let me do light duty (desk job stuff) for as long as I need so I am hoping maybe my OB will let me do that for awhile instead of cutting my hours. But if not, I will do what I need to do to fight for this baby boy. So then this morning Kenneth calls me to tell me the fire department wants to have a baby shower for us. There is another fireman's wife who is due in December and they wanted to have the shower for us together in December. I felt like a total loser but I asked them to please have the shower for the other girl but that I do not want a baby shower. I want to celebrate for the other girl but I am too scared to celebrate for us. I am terrified of having all of this baby stuff and coming home from the hospital without a baby. I am really even hesitant to get a nursery ready. I have to do something because the girl's room needs to be repainted and we have to get them some new furniture since they will be sharing a room. I am all for fixing their room up but I almost just want to leave what will be the nursery alone until we are home with a baby. I felt really bad telling Kenneth to tell his chief, "No thank you" but I just don't think I can do it. I really hope they understand where I am coming from and that I am not at all trying to be rude. It is the nicest thing for them to offer but I am just scared to death. Kenneth just keeps telling me to try to be positive and I am trying. It is the hardest thing. I think after all we have already been through that they will understand. So here I am, riding the crazy train and barely hanging on...

Finally!

I have been bugging the school for about 2 months now to get Anna's testing done to get her set up to start speech therapy as soon as she turns three. They would tell me they would get it done and then I would never hear anything. I think they were just saying whatever they thought would appease me. Anyway, today I actually called and spoke directly with the speech therapist and voila, progress was made. We will have a preliminary IEP meeting on November 30th and go over her previous testing and do some new testing. Then she will be evaluated on December 10th by PT and OT to see if they can help her. She is getting some pretty bad in toeing of her right foot/leg so I hope maybe they can help with that. We had an ortho appointment scheduled for last week but since Anna ended up in the hospital I had to cancel the appointment. I am hoping the PT can maybe make some recommendations about AFOs and that sort of thing. If not then I will reschdule the ortho. Anyway, once all of that is done then we will have the official IEP meeting and get started with her therapy again. Her vocabulary has improved so much but her articulation is horrible. That makes sense since articulation is a fine motor skill. All in all, I am happy I finally made some progress with the school and feel we are moving in the right direction.

I rushed home after work to meet with Carly's teacher for a parent/teacher conference. I really had problems with Carly's teacher earlier in the year but she is starting to grow on me. She said Carly is doing really well except for all of the backwards writing she does. I am still working on the whole dyslexia thing- that is another ongoing battle with the school. I bet they love me! I really think the after school tutoring is doing Carly a world of good and I am thankful for it!

At about 5 pm tonight they called a code blue at work. Luckily I was not in charge today and therefore did not have to respond because it ended up being a 2 year old whose heart stopped in the midst of a seizure. Great, just what I wanted to hear! This is why I am so afraid to move Anna out of our bed. At this rate she will be 16 and still sleeping tucked in between mommy and daddy. She has done really well the past week as far as I can tell. I have not noticed any seizures. Either she has not had them or I am sucking at noticing them. (Well apparently I do suck at noticing the daytime ones since I didn't even know they were happening.) Anyway, I do not know if it the medicine finally building up enough in her system, or the prayers, or both, but something is working and I am so thankful! She still is not sleeping much at night but a wise man (or mother) once said it is far better to be awake and smiling than awake and seizing...

Shhhh. Don't Tell.

The original plan was to take Carly along for my 20ish week ultrasound so she could find out the sex at the same time we did. Then I began to panic. All I could picture was finding out some bad news and her being there. So Kenneth and I went alone for today's ultrasound and Carly will go to the next one now that we know the baby is doing fine. So if you know us in real life, please don't tell her the sex of the baby until she can see it for her own eyes. What is the sex, you ask? We are having a boy! There is no doubt and he was not shy about showing off his junk. His first name will be Gabriel and he will go by Gabe. His middle name is either Charles (Kenneth's middle name) or Thomas (Kenneth's dad's name). That decision is up to Kenneth and he is not sure what he wants yet. So far everything looks good with Gabe and he is growing right on track. His legs are a week ahead which is normal for our kids- they are all legs! He is a hefty 12 ounces at this time which is great! Dr C. is concerned about my health though. Clearly, nothing is ever simple with us. He is concerned about my heart and is sending me to a cardiologist to evaluate how my heart is functioning. He is concerned I may have some sort of cardiomyopathy. There is a list or reasons why he suspects this but I will not go into it. I am believing everything is OK and will continue to believe that until I hear differently. If something is wrong it is yet another gift from my dear friend preeclampsia.

I actually already got a call from the neurologist's office this morning. I will tell you what I know and what I understand but keep in mind this has been translated from Dr. Malik's report to Dr. Hernandez's nurse to me and I have very little understanding of this whole brain/seizure thing. I will have a much more thorough explanation after our appointment with Dr. Hernandez on the 24th. Anna had seizure activity during the EEG but it was not at night, it was during the day (see, I really don't know much about this stuff). This does not mean she ahs not had them at night, she may have, but on the EEG they were all while she was awake. Anna's seizure activity originated from the occipital lobe, not the temporal lobe where her cysts are located (apparently she has bilateral cysts, not just one as I previously thought and they are on both sides of her hippocampus which is in the temporal lobe (I think)). The type of spike/wave pattern she had is most commonly seen with the generalized epilepsy syndromes. This means that both hemispheres of the brain are affected from the start of the seizure. These types of seizures generally manifest as tonic/clonic, myoclonic, absence, and atonic. Confused yet? Yeah, me too. For now we are leaving her medications alone and we will see how things go and address the plan at her next appointment. She has had a really good past few days and I am praying this will be the trend. I am saddened and yet relieved by the EEG results. I am saddened because the seizures are now confirmed and relieved because now we know more about them.

So that is today in a nutshell. And all of this prior to noon...

Free At Last

I had a hard time keeping her awake yesterday, not sure why and not sure why she will sleep at the hospital and not at home. Oh well, it did make things easier for both of us.

We got 30 minutes off the unit yesterday and spent it in the cafeteria. Anna had fun pulling around the wagon. Apparently she didn't think she was supposed to ride in it.

Day one right after the lead placement. She cried for about 15 minutes and then she was out!

Daddy/Daughter Day on Thursday

Having fun in the playroom a.k.a. Mommy's break time

Finally, we are home. We skipped the pediatrician's office. I was pretty sure one more doctor/office in my day just might push me over the edge and turn me into a homicidal maniac. I try really hard not to rely on my mom (a nurse practitioner) or my sister (MD) for medications because I feel it is unfair to them. If something went wrong I would never want them to feel any responsibility for it plus I think sometimes it is hard to really be objective when it comes to family. Today, I broke my own rules and I relied on my mom. (She didn't think homicide was a good idea either.) So we have antibiotics. Here are the pictures from our adventurous week. All in all, both girls handled things very well and I could not be more proud to be their mother. Kenneth and Carly had a daddy and daughter day yesterday and went looking for deer. Carly had a blast and has decided she wants her room decorated in camouflage now. Um, not so much dear. Anyway, I am so glad to be home. I can't wait to crawl into my own bed tonight, even if Kenneth is snoring...

The Neverending Story

Good news! The MRI report is "cystic lesion of right temporal lobe unchanged" and no other new findings. Bad news! Our pediatrician will not call in any antibiotics without seeing her first so when we leave here we get to go to yet another Dr appointment before going home. Dr Malik said he will get the EEG report to Dr Hernandez and we will hear from or see him next week. Until then we are to keep all medications the same. That is all for now.

Almost Done

They got us up at 5:30 and got all of the leads off of Anna's head. I got her bathed and got her hair washed although I will still be picking glue out of her hair for many days or weeks to come. We got her earrings out and all that stuff and then we were off to meet anesthesia. I swear it never gets easier to see your child gassed and know intubation follows. I am a bit nervous too because her oxygen saturation was hovering around 92 this morning which is borderline. She has had a junky cough for a couple of weeks but no fever and her lungs sound clear so I assumed it was just a cold. Maybe not. I am so ready to be home! I will post some pictures from this whole experience when I get home but I am blogging from my phone and can't figure out how to insert a picture. My prayer for today is that the cyst or lesion (it depends on who you are talking to as to what it is called) that is in her right temporal lobe is unchanged or gone. Please join me in continued prayers for healing for Anna. I am not specific about how the healing will come, that's God's deal. Thank you again for your continued thoughts, prayers, calls, visits, and love. I will never be able to express how much it means to us!

Exerting Control

I somehow just erased my signature on this post but oh well, it isn't like you don't know my name by now. Today has actually been a relatively good day. Anna slept in until almost 9. She woke up happy and off to the playroom we went. She played for a few minutes and then just fell asleep sitting up. We came back to the room where she ate a few bites of pancake and then proceeded to fall asleep face first into her breakfast tray. I wiped the syrup off and laid her down. She slept until 2 pm. I talked to the nurse because I was worried about her sleeping so much. She just could not keep her eyes open and she has never been like that before. We reviewed her medications and they are the same here as at home. She said it was just stress. I don't really buy that but whatever. She finally woke up and although she still looks kind of drunk, she has been playing nicely since. She is funny though. I guess she feels so little control in this situation that she has decided to exert what control she does have. That has come in the form of refusal to speak. She will say a few words to me and she spoke to my friend Amy (because she brought tacos and queso last night) but when it comes to staff she is mute. She will flash a cute smile but that is it. The anesthesiologist came by earlier and said her MRI is scheduled for 8 am. I hope we get to go home soon after that. Not much else going on here. Just sitting around waiting for, well, who knows what we are waiting for...

4am

Anna slept like a rock (and so did I) from about 9:30pm until 2:45. That's great except I was beginning to worry that she wasn't going to have a seizure. It's not that I want seizures but we really need them to happen while we are here so the doctors can get a closer look at what is going on. She laid awake until a little after 4 and then I finally crawled into her bed with her. She is used to sleeping with Kenneth and I so I thought that might help het fall asleep. Indeed it did. She was asleep within about 10 minutes. Then as quickly as she fell asleep, a seizure started. I felt sadness but relief as well. The nurses came in and messed with her but she was out. So now here she is sleeping soundly and I am wide awake. Since her seizures have been clustering I feel like I need to stay awake to catch the next one.

Getting Settled

We got here a little before 10 and so far things have gone quite smoothly. Registration is always a breeze and the staff has been great, as usual. I just met with Dr Malik who is the neurologist on this week. He seems nice and quite smart but I miss Dr Hernandez. That was the only part I hated about moving the testing up. It meant our neuro wouldn't be here. He will ultimately make any final decisions about treatment though. What I think is one of the worst parts of an EEG is getting the child hooked up. It went so smoothly today though. She cried for about 10 minutes and then she fell asleep and slept through the rest of it. We got back to our room and she was napping nicely until the nurse practitioner woke her up. That was the end of her nap and it ruled out one for me too. So now we are in the playroom and she is happy. I am already exhausted and only a few hours into this but I guess it has to be done and it is honestly not any more exhausting than nights at home have been lately.

Moved Up

Anna had another really bad night last night. I called the neurologist's office again because they want to be notified of her seizures. They decided that her EMU stay cannot wait until the 16th so she is being admitted this Wednesday. We will stay until Friday and she will have her MRI on Friday. I am nervous and relieved all at the same time. I just want it to get better!

My Goblins

I let the kids pick out their own costumes and we ended up with a vampire and a witch. Anna just had to have make-up like her sister so she ended up being quite a pale witch. Kenneth did Carly's make-up and I think he did an awesome job. Have I mentioned before how much I love that man? They went with Kenneth to the school carnival before I got home from work so they were already sugared up and looking rough before we headed to the Halloween Party at some friends' house. The kids had a blast at the party and we kept them up probably way too late. We didn't get home until a little before midnight and I do not think Carly has ever been up that late in her 6 years on this earth. Anna, of course, is no stranger to late nights. The party ended with a haunted hay ride and Carly couldn't stop taking about the guy on the train tracks with the chainsaw. I am not a huge fan of Halloween but I can remember doing those scary things as a child and how much fun they were and I want my kids to have those memories as well.

We did manage to get up and make it to church again today. I about had a nervous breakdown during the service. The sermon was about times when we are frightened. As I was listening I just really started thinking about how frightened I really am about all that is currently happening with Anna. I try to act pretty calm and cool about it but my insides are all a muck and I would be a liar if I did not say that I am scared. I know things will be OK. It isn't that. I know that God will use all of this for his will and that he will take care of us but sometimes the journey can be so hard. It is just so hard to watch this thing go on night after night and have zero control over it. Every time I wake up to check on her or to go the bathroom or whatever I just stare at her and within no time she will be seizing. I am not fool enough to believe this is only happening when I am watching. I'm sure it is going on all night long. Gee, what a comforting thought to go to sleep to! I am not looking forward to but at the same time totally looking forward to getting Anna's vEEG and MRI over with so maybe we can make some progress. I feel very alone because there are very few people in my life who have been where I am and understand how hard it is to watch your child go through this. I have a lot of people who are very sympathetic and as much as I appreciate those people and don't think I could make it without them it just isn't the same as having someone who has already traveled this road. The sermon today was helpful though as was talking and praying with the pastor. I know we will get through this and come out on top again. Into every life a little rain must fall but I feel like we are stuck in a storm...