The Crazy Train

I am more than half way there. I officially hit 20 weeks this past Friday. For most people this would be a time to sort of celebrate but if you have had preeclampsia (PE) this is the day when the fear sets in. Although PE can strike at 18-19 weeks it is very rare but at 20 weeks you are fair game. With Anna, it struck us at around 24 weeks. I cannot imagine that in 4 weeks from now would be the time that I went on bed rest with her. I cannot believe that in comparison that would mean I would be on bed rest until late March. That seems like forever away! I mean, that is forever away. This time has become so much more emotional for me than I ever imagined. I am so scared. I am terrified of the same scenario repeating itself. I am terrified the scenario might be worse. I got home last night after my shift and my legs were so swollen from the thighs down. Let me tell you, pitting edema is sexy!!! I didn't get too concerned and thought if I would just get off of them and sleep that they would get better. Not so much- they are just as bad this morning. My B/P is steadily on the rise. I see the cardiologist on Thursday and hope maybe that will yield some answers. My OB is already talking about me not working full time anymore. The hospital will let me do light duty (desk job stuff) for as long as I need so I am hoping maybe my OB will let me do that for awhile instead of cutting my hours. But if not, I will do what I need to do to fight for this baby boy. So then this morning Kenneth calls me to tell me the fire department wants to have a baby shower for us. There is another fireman's wife who is due in December and they wanted to have the shower for us together in December. I felt like a total loser but I asked them to please have the shower for the other girl but that I do not want a baby shower. I want to celebrate for the other girl but I am too scared to celebrate for us. I am terrified of having all of this baby stuff and coming home from the hospital without a baby. I am really even hesitant to get a nursery ready. I have to do something because the girl's room needs to be repainted and we have to get them some new furniture since they will be sharing a room. I am all for fixing their room up but I almost just want to leave what will be the nursery alone until we are home with a baby. I felt really bad telling Kenneth to tell his chief, "No thank you" but I just don't think I can do it. I really hope they understand where I am coming from and that I am not at all trying to be rude. It is the nicest thing for them to offer but I am just scared to death. Kenneth just keeps telling me to try to be positive and I am trying. It is the hardest thing. I think after all we have already been through that they will understand. So here I am, riding the crazy train and barely hanging on...