One In A Million

Seriously, if there is going to be an issue that only happens to 1% of people, it will be Anna. How many babies make it to full term when the mother gets PE at 24 weeks? How many babies born IUGR actually end up with cerebral palsy? How many of those kids end up defying the odds and walking (even if a little gimpy) on schedule? How many of those kids need feeding tubes? How many of those kids don't start having seizures until after their 2nd birthday? I could go on forever. Yesterday, out of the blue, Anna started screaming and crying that her ear hurt. She rarely complains but it just so happened she started complaining about the time we were leaving to take her to her gradmother because I had to go to labor and delivery with high b/p. I hoped she was just being dramatic although it is not normal for her. I gave her some Tylenol and hoped for the best. After being released from L&D and sent back home for more bedrest we went to pick Anna up. She had been crying with her ear most of the time we had been gone. She would doze off and wake up screaming and crying. At that point she didn't have any fever though. By the time we got home and gave her all of her nighttime meds plus some more Tylenol she fell asleep. I laid her on the couch and was remarking to Kenneth how she just spiked a temp because she was hot as heck and had chill bumps everywhere. About that time the volcano erupted. She puked up dinner plus all of her meds. For whatever reason both of my kids rarely puke (minus when Anna had her G tube) but when they spike a high temp really quickly they both become pukers. I didn't want to give her more meds because I was not sure what she had absorbed so I just gave her a tiny bit of melatonin and hoped for the best. She actually did ok throughout the night although we never got her fever down below 102 even alternating Tylenol and Motrin. I got her in with Dr. Goff this morning. She does have another ear infection but beyond that her tube has fallen out and the hole did not seal off like it should have. This happens in, you guessed it, 1% of patients with tympanostomy tubes. She is on oral antibiotics and antibiotic/steroid ear drops. We go back for a recheck in 3 weeks. Hopefully the hole will heal on its own but if not we will have to go back to the ENT for a patch over her eardrum (which Dr. Goff says is a difficult procedure and the patch falls off a lot of the time). I asked if they could just put another tube in the same hole but he said it doesn't work like that. The risk with leaving the hole is that it can start to affect her hearing. We already have enough speech problems. Adding hearing damamge certainly will not help in that department. Of course the pharmacy didn't have the antibiotics we needed but they will have them first thing in the morning. We already had the drops so we did start them right away. She still has fever but overall seems to be feeling much better. By the time we got home from L&D and picking up Anna last night I was at the end of my rope and the end of the rope was frayed and about to come undone. I was having mommy guilt about everything ,feeling totally inadequate as a parent, tired, sad for Anna, and most of all just done with this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to have come this far but I am done. I am so sick of bedrest and feeling like I am just waiting for the crap to hit the fan. I have another OB appointment on Monday and I plan to discuss my mental health more than my physical. I have tried to be patient and keep things in perspective but I am weary. I know I am almost to the end, but that end cannot come soon enough. I didn't sleep worth a crap last night. Luckily Kenneth took off work today and stayed home to help me. He knew I was on the verge of total breakdown. I was able to get a good nap today and am feeling much better tonight. I know I can do this but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and lose it...