Verbalizing & Realizing

Yesterday and today have been relatively uneventful and for that I am greatful. This morning Carly had her dress rehearsal for her ballet & tap recital. The girls were so cute. I am so proud of her, she has learned so much in just a few short months. I did some stretching with Anna today. I used to think it was mainly her left arm/hand that were affected but I think her left leg may be just as bad. It is almost like it has a "catch" when you try to straighten it out for her. Luckily she loves the stretching and just smiles through it all. I have read stories of babies and children who scream and cry during the stretching so I am so glad Anna seems to enjoy it. It is so funny how you get so used to your child that you don't notice things about them. We were at a birthday party for one of Carly's friends today and one of the other moms wanted to hold Anna. She seemed suprised by how stiff Anna was. After holding her for a little bit she gave her back to me because she was having difficulty keeping Anna in her lap. I guess the back arching and stiffness have just always been a part of Anna so I never realized how evident it was to others or how different it felt from holding other babies. I told her Anna has cerebral palsy and that is the reason for the stiffness. That was the first time I have verbalized those words to a stranger and it felt so wierd. It made it feel even more real than it already does. Thinking about it and saying it to perfect strangers are two totally different things. Then the others sitting around had this lookof pity on their faces. I do not want pity. We have a two wonderful, beautiful, perfect daughters and although I do not like what has happened, I have a great life and do not need any pity. I also find that when people hear she has CP they become afraid to hold her because they are afraid of hurting her or not knowing what to do with her. The thing is that she is the same baby that everybody held and knew what to do with prior to the diagnosis. We just have a name to put with the symptoms. She is still a sweet little baby who just needs love. She is no different than before. I am so ready for Sooner Start to come on Tuesday. I need a plan. I am usually very unplanned and unscheduled in my life but with this situation I really feel like I need a plan to help reestablish my sanity (or maybe just to establish it, I think to reestablish implies that I once had sanity). I am supposed to work in the nursery at church tomorrow so I guess I better go to bed. Goodnight...