Monday, May 12, 2008
Lessons I didn't want to learn
Isn't it funny how much it annoyed you when you were a kid and your parents said things like "It hurts me more than it hurts you," and "I'd take all of this pain from you if I could," and "you'll never understand how much I love you until you have children of your own," and so on and so forth. I could not stand to hear those words from my parents. After all, I was a kid and I knew everything already- and all at the ripe old age of 8. Ugh, now I am eating my words because everything they said, I am now saying. I mean it now just as much as they meant it then. I so badly want to take all of this from Anna. I don't want to see her struggle. I don't want to see her hurt. The world is cruel and I want to put her in bubble and keep her there but I know that would only make her miserable which is what I'm trying to prevent in the first place. Everytime I look at my beautiful baby I wonder why my body wasn't strong enough to protect her. Inside of me was the one place she should have been safe and I wasn't strong enough to protect her. I know that sounds crazy but in my shoes it feels totally rational. On a nice note, our preacher called to check on us this morning. He is so kind.