Life in Holland: Still Here

Friday, September 17, 2010

Still Here

Even as an ICU nurse, I never really realized how bad pneumonia could get in a healthy person. We always get the patients with chronic health problems and I just kind of always figured pneumonia was in the cards for them. I am here to tell you, pneumonia in healthy people sucks too! I have not ever been this sick before and hope to never be this sick again. The pulmonologist thinks I may also have a PE due to my labs and my clotting disorder but he is afraid to give the contrast to find out for sure because of the baby. I totally understand but also feel a bit scared to go home with a possible clot. He should decide tonight wether to do the CT scan, just go ahead and start lovenox, or just pray this is only pneumonia. My OB says I can go home tomorrow if the pulmonologist is ok with it. I am so ready to be back at home in my bed with my family. Kenneth has been an awesome Mr Mom but I know he is exhausted! It has been so amazing to see how I am surrounded by such wonderful people in my life- from the visits and prayers to the flowers, cookies, cards, visits, and everything else I want to thank everyone for their kindness. I'll keep you posted.

Update: The pulmonologist came by and said they decided against the CT. I might get to go home tonight. Fingers crossed...

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I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this....When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.