Ramblings

I bet lots of people in my life are enjoying me right now...I lost my voice. I squeak here and there but that's about it. I get this crap every time the seasons change so I guess winter is officially here. I am off on Thanksgiving this year and am so glad to get to spend it with my family. I spent it last year with the hospital staff but it wasn't because I was working. It is funny how your mind has a way of freaking out when you get close to anniversary dates of bad things. I can remember back after Anthony beat the shit out of me that every year about that time I would have a freak out week and after a few days of it I would realize it was near that anniversary date. It has been 10 years now since that happened in 1998 and the pain is gone. I think the pain mostly went away when I finally came to a point of forgiveness. I did not forgive him because he needed me to, I forgave him because I needed me to. It released the power he had over me and allowed me to move on. (BTW, although Anthony was never convicted in the rape and assault trials he later ended up doing time for child abuse. I wish the court would have listened to Mindy and I and I hate it for that poor child but I am glad he finally got what was coming to him.) I can remember being afraid to go anywhere without my protective order and now I couldn't find a copy of it if I wanted to. I suppose it is still in effect, who knows? I wonder if forgiveness still counts if we do it for selfish reasons. Anyway, I was in the hospital at this time last year and I have cried more about it lately than I think I did when I was going through it last year. I know that a lot of people probably think I really need to move on and get over it but I just can't. I know the preeclampsia experience itself is over but the lasting effects I am afraid will never go away. My heart breaks for the loss of a dream- the dream of another pregnancy, a healthy one, where my baby comes out okay in the end. I thought I was over this but it just keeps coming back. Yeah, I've thought about and talked about and toyed with the idea of visiting a high risk doctor and seeing what my odds are but then I have to get realistic- the dream is over. It's too much of a crap shoot- I could have a healthy pregnancy and baby but it is unlikely and the truth is it would probably be worse and the next baby could make our journey with Anna look like cake walk. I love being a mommy though and I have so much to give and I so badly want to be able to give that. I have screwed up a lot of things in my life but I am a good mother and I enjoy doing the things I am good at. I am excited for Anna's birthday to be here in a couple of weeks but I am also afraid I will fall apart. I wonder if this pain will be gone in ten years also- that seems like a lifetime away...