Thursday, September 11, 2008

I Hate You

Imagine this- new doctor tomorrow and I am nervous as hell and nauseated along with that. You probably wonder if these appointments make me so sick then why do I keep making more and going to more. Well, it's actually simple. I love my child more than anything in the world and I want the best for her and I am so afraid that something is going to be missed and I would never forgive myself if something was missed because I didn't take care of it as I should. I failed her once and I will not fail her again. Today was one of those days when I think about how much I would like to have just one more baby maybe, but I know it just isn't in the cards for me and it breaks my heart. I wanted that decision to be mine. I am so pissed that it was taken out of my hands. I hate preeclampsia. I hate that it robbed me of a normal pregnancy and I hate that it has likely robbed my baby of so much also. I hate that it has robbed me of the chance to try again. It has been awhile since I have broken down but tonight the tears just won't stop. I am so happy for people who can have healthy pregnancies, I really am. I wouldn't wish this on anybody but I am so jealous of what it must be like. I still wonder if I could have done things differently if it would have made any difference. If I had stopped my Effexor or not needed so much Zofran or slept more or corrected my anemia sooner or just anything, would it have mattered? I'll never know...

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