So Very Done

Although I do realize that every day is a gift and that there are many who would give anything for one more day, I still don't like today. I woke up feeling ok. I laid around for awhile and then got in the shower. And then it hit. Out of nowhere. Call it anxiety, call it fear, call it the devil...I don't care what you call it. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. I am worried about Gabe and what is best for him and what I selfishly want are conflicting. I know he needs to be inside of me growing and getting stronger for as long as possible, that is best for him. I selfishly want him out now. I want to be able to hold him and know he is ok every second of the day. I know he would be hooked up to monitors so at least if something was wrong somebody would know. My blood pressure is great today (even a bit low for me) and Gabe is kicking fine. But so was it with Anna. I don't know how to let go of the fear. I want to trust that all is well and most days I do. But today, today is hard and today sucks. I am a control freak in a situation where I have no control. I want to go to bed and sleep for a couple of weeks until all of this is over. I promised myself I would savor each and every kick from this little guy. And I have tried. I know this child will be my last. But for today I am so done with all of this.