Reflections

A new year doesn't usually really do much for me. Call me boring but I am usually in bed before midnight hits. The way I have always seen it is just that it is another January that will be followed by another February and so on. My parents never cared much for New Year's and I guess I am carrying on the tradition. But something is different this year. I have really been reflecting back on the last year and all it has meant to me. I swear that every year teaches me more than the previous one but this year, I really think this year takes the cake. The biggest lessons I've learned this year are the ones of patience and forgiveness. I certainly have not perfected either one but this was the first time that my sanity depended on me really staring forgiveness in the face and taking it on. I am not just talking forgiveness of others but also forgiveness of myself for things I feel I could have and should have done differently. I have never before been in a place where unforgiveness was making me so much less of a person than I knew I was capable of being. Sometimes things happen in life and there is no way to make rhyme or reason of them. No matter how hard you try to understand, you just can't. You scream, you cry, you bargain, and in the end none of that works and you just end up right back where you started. And then you begin to understand that people are people. And then you begin to see that most people do the best they knew how to do at the time. If they had known better then they would have done better. (Maya Angelou has some quote about this but I am currently too lazy to look it up) This includes me. And then you realize that you have to forgive. That is what this year taught me. These decisions to forgive myself and others have brought me more peace than I ever knew existed. Although this has been a particularly hard year, it is one that will never be forgotten.

I had an OB appointment and ultrasound today. Gabe still looks great and as of next week we will be to goal #1- 28 weeks. I will have another appointment and ultrasound in 2 weeks. Our next big goal is 32 weeks. Anything after that is icing on the cake. Dr. Cummings and I had a really long talk today. I swear I love that man. He is like an OB, therapist, and teddy bear all wrapped up in one. I think he may be the only person on earth who gets how emotionally hard all of this really is. As we were sitting and talking today I had some huge ah-ha moments. I was telling him how my biggest fears are that things will go like last time. I was sick last time, nobody disputed that fact. But just how sick, well, that was difficult to tell. There was never one huge red flag that stuck out . It was more of a combination of things that all together added up to something huge. I told him that I am afraid the same thing will happen, that I will limp along and keep holding on without any huge red flags and this baby will meet the same fate as the last. I told him that a full term baby is no where near as important to me as a healthy baby. A few NICU weeks versus a lifetime of doctors appointments and hospital stays is in my opinion a no brainer. He assured me that he "gets" cases like mine and that especially after 32 weeks that if even 1 hair looks out of place that will be it. After that time, his threshold for delivery will be low. And then it struck me. These are decisions that are easy to make knowing now what we know about how my body works. Had Dr. K had this type of information last time, his decisions might have been different too. He didn't have a bad experience to look at to make things better. He unfortunately had nothing to go off of and had to do the best he could with the information he had. Do I still think things should have been done differently? Yes, clearly I do. But this is all in hindsight and decisions and thoughts based on hindsight are so much easier because the outcome is already known. I have always been so certain that had I had a different doctor that things would have been better. If I had only gone to an OB and MFM and not a family practice physician... But who is really to say it would be any different? So I really had to sit and consider these things today and it was a tough pill to swallow. As I have continued to pray that my forgiveness would go deeper and deeper I had no idea would that would mean and to where God would lead me. So MK, if you ever read this I need you to know this. While I have been sitting around blaming you and being angry and then forgiving but still somewhere down deep hoping that someday maybe you would apologize for what happened and for some of the things you said after the fact that maybe I owe you an apology too. I have been holding you to a standard that you never had a chance to measure up to. I held you to a standard of perfection but you are only human and that wasn't fair of me. For that I am truly sorry. I doubt that the chance to ever tell you that face to face will happen so this is the best I can do right now. It is so hard to admit sometimes that I am wrong but I think in order to continue to follow the path God has set out for me that I must be obedient to him and this is where this journey has taken me. It has taken me not only to a place of forgiving others but also of admitting where I have been wrong.

Did I ever imagine at the beginning of 2010 that I'd be where I am now? NO WAY!!! But am I glad I've been doing the work and taken the journey? You betcha...

Happiness

Not much to say here except that this was a fabulous Christmas. Christmas Eve night Anna slept in her own bed all night without waking up. That in and of itself was a Christmas miracle! Before going to bed she kept telling me to get home faster (from my great grandmother's house) "cos Santa Kauz es comin." Carly was so excited and had a lot of trouble falling asleep. The kids were of course spoiled rotten by us and everyone else. They were very good about saying "thank you" to everyone without prompting from us which made me feel like we are doing something right. Santa brought Carly a bike and the radio she wanted. He brought Anna her tricycle and TMX Elmo. They got a ton of other stuff, too. It looks like Toys R US vomited all over our living room. It is so funny what their favorite things end up being. Carly loved this Build-A-Bear that she was able to stuff and sew herself. Anna loved her Elmo sippy cups that Carly bought for her. Things were so laid back this year and for that I am so thankful. The rushing around stresses me out and it was nice to not have to do it this year. I hope your holiday was just as nice...

A Baby Changes Everything

'Twas the night before Christmas in the Watson house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The Children were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads...

We hope and pray that the miracle of Christmas brings you joy and peace the whole year long!

Separation

No, no, no...not my marriage. It is as strong and wonderful as ever. I am speaking of my pelvis. It has done the same thing this time as it did last time only way earlier. It hurts like hell and I am not happy about the fact that this is how it will be until Gabe comes. If you wonder why I blog all of the pregnancy details it is so that if after getting my tubes tied and Kenneth getting a vasectomy I suddenly have a moment of weakness and want everything reversed, I will look back at all this and be reminded why that decision would likely and should likely land me in the state's mental health facility for the criminally insane. (Wow, nice run on sentence!) And yes, after Gabe, Kenneth and I will both be getting fixed. I know too many people who have done one or the other and still ended up with more kids. We cannot have any more kids. If you have children and are a woman and have been fortunate enough not to have this pelvic dysfunction you should be on your knees thanking God right at this very second! I have been off of work for 5 or 6 weeks now and have yet to be placed on bedrest. I was threatened tonight with hospital bedrest if I don't start taking it easier. Thank goodness my shopping is done so I can chill now! We have also been working on the girls' room and getting it ready to move them into so we can get the nursery done. I will not tell you much more until it is totally done. It is so cute though and I can't wait until the furniture is delivered tomorrow. Anna will finally have her own big girl bed. I hope she will sleep in it and I hope this mama can let go of her seizure fears enough to let her sleep in it. Carly got to pick out the bedding and is so excited to have had some decision making power in the decorating. I can't wait. The before and after pictures will be coming soon! Anna got her Sure Steps yesterday and they are amazing! I did not realize how unsteady she was until now. With them on she is much more steady and seems to be walking in less of a crouched wide spaced gait. She doesn't mind them and wants to put them on by herself. Not much else going on but I think I better get to bed before Presby Denton becomes my new home...

The Sure Steps

Getting To The Bottom Of It

I had spoken to the principal awhile back about my thoughts that Carly is dyslexic. You have to understand that we are in a VERY small district and perhaps the programs to help that would be in a regular size district are just not there in ours. Anyway, I have tried to be patient. (Hold that thought, there is a Jehovah's Witness at the door.) OK, quickly taken care of. I politely refused to listen to her Watchtower message. So back to the whole school issue. Carly has been in tutoring and we have seen some vast improvements in her. Her reading is much better and her spelling is also to some degree. But her letter writing is not any better. Things are still just as backwards and upside down as they always were. On Wednesday night we studied Carly's spelling words and she knew them. There are 12 total. She went to school Thursday and took her pre-test. If they make a 100 on the pre-test then they do not have to take the test on Friday. When Carly got home we asked how she did and she said she missed 10 of the 12. She also forgot to bring the test and her folder home (but that is a whole other battle we are dealing with). I always tell Carly that I do not expect perfection from her, but that I always expect her to do her best. Every morning when I drop her off at school I remind her to have a good day and do her best. She was crying about the test and saying how she had done her best. I of course told her that I knew she had not done her best because she knew the words the night before. After much ado we went up to the school and got the test. Guess what? She had done her best. She had correctly spelled all 12 words but had written all of her "s" backwards and one"d" backwards as well. The teacher counted them all wrong because they were backwards. I was pissed! Kenneth and I went up to the school this morning and had a meeting with the Principal. We decided to go in with a kind attitude figuring it would get us further, and it did. The Principal agreed that Carly deserved at the very least a chance to rewrite the backwards letters and that she should get credit for spelling the words correctly. I think she finally saw what we are dealing with here and we are finally going to get somewhere. We do not have an exact plan yet but it will be finalized after Christmas break. I feel relieved. I was so heartbroken for Carly who really had tried so hard and then despite doing well was told that still wasn't good enough. I do not expect her to not have to do the work, I just expect that she will be given a little extra time and some extra help with the letters she finds so difficult. Last night we did not work on spelling, we worked on writing her letters and she seemed very eager to do them right. I pray this may help us to get to the root of the problem and help her.

Anna came home from daycare sick on Tuesday afternoon. Turns out she had strep. Thank God it is still so responsive to antibiotics. She is well and back at school today. She started ballet and tap this week and had a blast. The next day she was really having a hard time walking. I think she had to use some muscles she isn't used to using. I am so glad her Sure Steps will be in Monday so that we will have them before her next ballet class.

I have an OB appointment this afternoon. My blood pressures have been all over the place so who knows what will happen when I get there. Gabe is as active as ever so I think he is still doing fine. Lets keep it that way...

UPDATE- My appointment went ok. My blood pressures are more and more labile which my Dr. says means they are about to really jump up and stay up. He told me to take it easy as much as I can and enjoy the next 2 weeks because after that the wild ride is likely to begin. I am thankful we will hopefully get a peaceful holiday. I have another appointment and ultrasound on the 29th. I hope to not see the doctor or hospital again until then...

Busy Bees

I spent Friday evening in labor and delivery again. It was the 3rd time in 4 weeks. I am not liking the trend at all. I felt fortunate to get to come home again though. My doctor seems a little less optimistic with every visit. delivery is looking like it will be earlier and earlier with each time we meet. I am still hopeful to hold out to 30 weeks. I am somewhere between 24-25 now. Please continue to pray for baby Gabe that he will tolerate his environment and hold on until it is safe for him to be born.

Anna's physical therapy evaluation went well last week. Basically, she needs PT but cannot get it through the school because to qualify for school PT, your need has to impact your ability to function in school. Anna will do OK in a school setting. She is just kind of awkward. The PT was awesome though and told me where we could go for private PT if we wanted or if not she showed me a ton of stuff we can do at home. I think given all that is currently going on we will stick with the home stuff for now and see how she does. The Amtryke they are getting her should actually help a lot too so I am hopeful maybe we can keep the PT at home. I want to always do what she needs but anything we can do at home and avoid traveling for is a bonus. Anna's hamstrings are really tightening up and we have got to really work on stretching. The PT also showed me some things to do before bed with Anna to maybe help her sleep better. I started last night and she did seem to sleep well. I do not know if it was the exercises, a fluke, or just her exhaustion from a busy weekend but it did work well. She also told us to get Anna some Under Armour type clothes to sleep in because sometimes the pressure can help with rest. I will do what I can to fit that into the budget as well.

After her PT eval I took Anna to a local Prosthetics and Orthotics (P&O) place. The people there could not have been any nicer and seemed quite knowledgeable. The bonus is that the guy that owns the place used to do P&O for Cook Children's which is where we go. So I feel like I am getting quality work from someone who understands kids without having to drive so far. He fitted Anna with something called Sure Steps. They are an SMO (Supra Malleolar Orthotic) versus an AFO (Ankle Foot Orthotic). It is much smaller and allows for much more use of Anna's own muscles. We will pick them up next Monday and hope for the best. They are for low tone kids which is what Anna is. Anna got to pick out the pattern and they are cute. They have little bumble bees on them. I am hopeful they will help her. He also suggested we get back to the ortho because he thinks part of her problem is coming from her hips. The place is called Alliance Prosthetics and Orthotics and I just do not have enough good things to say about them.

Anna's follow up from eye patching is next week. Her eye does not seem much better to me except when the patch is on. On one hand I would like to patch a little longer and see if it helps but then I look at the financial side and if we go ahead and have the surgery this year it will be paid at 100% because we have met our total out of pocket. I will be interested to see what Dr. Norman thinks. I am pretty sure he said if the patching had not fixed things by her next appointment that it wouldn't help but I cannot remember for sure. I've slept since then.

I am also taking the girls to the dentist next week. Carly has a cavity that has to be filled. She does well and actually likes the dentist. Anna is having her first cleaning. Please pray for the dentist, this should be fun...

Sassy?

While getting ready for church this morning these were the attitudes I encountered

Lord, guide me today and everyday as I try to be the best mother for these girls that I can be. Guide their hearts and their lives that they may always love you and hold you near. Thank you for your blessings! Amen

Overwhelming Kindness

I don't even know how to begin to tell you how emotional yesterday made me. I took Anna for her physical therapy evaluation. I'll get to that part later. While we were there Anna fell in love with a Tricycle they had there. It is called an Amtryke. They are bikes for special needs kids. They cost anywhere from $350-800. There is just no way we could afford it. It would help Anna so much though. It makes both sides of the brain really work together. The sweet PT has donated one to Anna and it will be under the tree from Santa on Christmas morning. I cannot tell you what this means to us. It is so hard to not be able to afford all of the things that might help my child overcome her special needs. We are so blessed to have such amazing people in our path and in our lives. I want to update on Anna's PT evaluation and her new AFOs but I will not take away from the awesomeness of this post so that update will come later.

Growing Old?

My trip to Lubbock was the best worst trip it could have been. It was horrible to watch Rachel and her family grieve the loss of their mother/wife/sister but it was awesome to see them all and to also see some old friends. I am glad I was able to go but was just as glad to return home. In my younger days I loved to take a road trip or just get away but things are so different now. I am such a home body. I do not like to be away from my husband and kids. On Friday when it was time to leave for the airport I found myself not wanting to leave. It wasn't because I was going to a funeral or any other reason other than I just like to be at home. Does that make me old? Who cares- I don't.

Things are fairly calm on the home front (dare I say it). Anna has her PT/OT evaluations this week but other than that I think this week should be fairly calm. She has her first speech therapy tomorrow since our break so I hope that goes well. She continues to amaze me everyday with her vocabulary. Her imagination has really taken off, too. Now, if we could just cure the whole sleep thing. As I medicated her tonight I realized again how crazy it really is. She gets 400 mg Tegretol, 300 mg Neurontin, and 50 mg Trazodone at night and that kid can still go strong for hours. If you know anything about medicine you know that is a lot for anybody at once- especially a 29 lb child. But we will press on and hope someday she will sleep well or at least learn to soothe herself more or just get up and turn the TV on and watch it when she wakes up. Thank God Carly is a good sleeper and I pray Gabe will be also. Thank God Carly is just such a good kid all around!

At my last ultrasound Gabe still looked good but is dropping percentiles in weight already. I was so certain in the beginning that I would not want any intervention if he had to be born too early but now I am not so sure. I have already grown so attached to him and now that we are at the stage of viability I really am not sure what I would do. I pray it is not a decision we have to face. Gabe gave me a little scare while I was on my trip. He is usually really active a lot of the day. On Saturday I did not feel him move at all during the day. I tried drinking cold juice and still nothing. I finally went and laid on my left side and after about 45 minutes he finally started kicking again. He needs to understand he can't be doing that stuff...

How Did It Happen

How did this baby grow up so fast? Anna will be 3 tomorrow. We decided just to have her party at her school since that is where her friends are and it is unlikely that those friends would come to a party outside of school. 2 and 3 year olds just don't party that much outside of school. She wanted Elmo cupcakes and that is what she got. We had Elmo balloons and her main gift was a Play Doh Toy Factory. She was so excited and I honestly think this was the perfect party. It was not overwhelming to her at all. I think I finally learned after having parties for Carly that too many people, gifts ,and time make for an overwhelmed and whiney kid. Anna thought this was perfect and so did I. We came home and she has played with her Play Doh since. I look at where we have been with Anna over the past 3 years and I genuinely thank God for every day of her life, even the ones I thought might kill her or me or both of us. The lessons she has taught me are plentiful and I know that Anna has not only made me a better mother but also a better person. Her life has never been "normal" and I am so thankful for that. I hope that she always knows that no matter how much I have cried, worried, or complained about how rough things were sometimes that I never regret a day of it and would do it all over again to have her here with us!

I had another ultrasound today and this was the one we took Carly to. She was unimpressed with the sono itself since the pictures are hard to decipher. She was however quite happy to learn that she is having a brother. They printed her off her own picture of his face and she couldn't wait to get home and hang it up in her room. The baby still looks good. They called me a little while after we left and said we will need to have another sono done in 4 weeks. They said it was just to monitor growth but of course since they called me after we had already left and didn't tell me while we were there it kind of made me start wondering if something is wrong. I had to talk myself down and remind myself that if something was wrong they would address it now and that they are just monitoring growth. I hate that I second guess everything. I spent a few hours in labor and delivery again this week with high pressures but Dr. Cummings thinks it is stress related and will get better after I get back from Lubbock and the funeral is over. My labs are ok and the baby looks ok too. He actually told me just to not check my pressures anymore until I am back from my trip. He ok'd the trip and said I will actually probably be worse off if I don't go because I will stress out about being here when I feel like I should be there. I love that he is an awesome doctor but is also just a kind human being and understands what is going on. My flight to Lubbock leaves tomorrow. I pray things go well with my travel and my body while I am gone. I hate that the occasion is so sad but I am going to get to see some friends I haven't seen since I went to Tech so that will be nice. I told Kenneth not to worry- Baby Gabe and I will be the designated drivers and will not get into any trouble- far cry from my college days in Lubbock where I stayed in trouble. I have come a long way...