Frustration Level- High. Patience Level- Low. These are where my gauges stand right now. I tried to get Anna's medical records today and learned I would have to be a millionaire to acquire them. It is insane that illegals can get free health care and I have to pay for my health care and then pay again for the records about the care I already paid for. A chart the size of Texas at $1.00 for the first page and $.50 for each additional page equals, well, um, more than I can afford. I am trying to collect the records for my own files and also because we are switching doctors. All of us. I will no longer pour salt in the wounds that are still so fresh. I feel like Anna's CP was preventable and whether I am right or wrong that is how I feel. Every time I walk into the same doctor's office that delivered Anna it is such a painful thing. I am angry. I have tried to live in the fairytale world and pretend like everyone did everything they could and that things just happen but the facts just don't support the fairytale. I have read until I am blue in the face and everything I find supports what I think is right and I am so mad. I have been afraid for a long time to let myself get mad. I am afraid if I allow myself to feel the rage that I know exists that I will go to some dark place and never be able to climb back out. The weird thing is that I have not been mad at God. That seems to be people's natural reaction but it just isn't with me in this case. He didn't make questionable decisions, people did. But enough about my anger. Brad was here again on Monday and speech went well. He was supposed to start coming every other week but after further consideration he decided he needs to be here weekly. He basically has one year with her until she ages out of Early Intervention and he feels it will take a visit a week for that full year to get her where she needs to be. I am glad he is willing to give her what she needs. She really likes him and I think she will make great strides with him as her teacher. Her not sleeping was apparently not a phase and so we had to make more med adjustments. We stopped the Tranxene and started her on Trazadone. I did not really want to but felt there was not a lot of other choice at this point. She is sleeping so much better and even sleeping all night in her own bed about 50% of the time- that is huge for us!! She is not wanting to eat much again and losing weight- that is bad for us!! She had finally lost her FTT (failure to thrive) label but is headed quickly back in that direction. Oh well, you can't have it all. Carly is doing well. She is excited about school coming up but terrified of the shots she needs to be able to go. She is signed up for ballet and now soccer too. I had always said one activity at a time but she has sacrificed a lot for her sister so I feel like every now and then she needs to get a reward for it and she really wanted to play soccer. It is never dull around here. Oh and congrats to my sister and her family on the birth of their 3rd child, Charles Wesley Braswell. He was born a week ago today and weighed in at a hefty 8 lbs 6 oz and 21 in long. He is adorable and I am so happy for them!