And Now For The Blessings

I have really been in a funk the past few days and have found it almost impossible even to smile and have really struggled to fight back the tears. I got some much needed rest and woke up today with a new attitude and somehow I found my smile and laugh again and for that I am so grateful. I do not like to be sad. Kenneth and I got to go out the other night without the kids and went to a wedding for a firefighter friend of his. It was good to be out and around adults. His mom kept the kids for the night. Then last night, somehow, both kids slept all night in their own beds. I feel like I have won the lottery! Anyway, enough about that. I want to write about how CP has blessed us because it seems there is always a downside to talk about but I want everyone to know there is an upside as well. First, there is my marriage to Kenneth. After Anna's diagnosis things really went downhill for our marriage. It seemed at one time that separation was inevitable and that making it work was almost impossible. Neither of us were raised in homes with divorced parents and didn't want to raise our kids that way but we could not see the light and figure out how to make it work. Looking back I really think it was more me, but we each had our share of the blame. We fought to stay together though and make it work and God blessed that and together with him our marriage is stronger than ever before. The other night at the wedding there was this 21 year old throwing herself at Kenneth and while I pitied the 21 year old I was able to laugh it off because I know there is no one else Kenneth would rather be with than me and that I feel the same towards him. We have been through too much together and starting over is not an option for either of us. We have had to learn to rely on each other in ways I never imagined. I think any life changing experience (death, serious illness, etc.) can teach you things you would never learn any other way and a special needs kid can do that too. Friends- I have learned who the true ones are and who the ones are that can't be bothered with my life because it is too complex, or too sad, or too different from theirs or whatever. I have had people who I felt were friends really show me their true colors and not necessarily in a good way. I have had people who I never thought cared really step up and I have met people I would not have ever met had I not been reaching out to other families in the same position we are in. I have had to learn patience, but believe me, this one is still a work in progress. The patience factor comes at me from so many angles. I have to be patient with Anna- patience to do things at a slower pace and patience to realize I can't fix everything right now and that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing at all. I have to be patient with therapy and realize she can't be in all therapy all the time and that the results of therapy are not immediate. I have had to learn patience with Carly and the way she deals with how our lives have changed. Mostly, patience with the Lord to be still and calm and to wait on Him because I know he will make all things right in His time. I grew up with a fairly affluent lifestyle and have had to learn to let that go. There were times we could barely afford to feed Anna when we were spending over $500 a month on just formula. I had been off work for 6 months and had over $100,000 in medical bills and we did not know how much of it the insurance would cover. Things were really tight. The bank sent us a foreclosure notice on our house 2 different times but we are still in our house and caught up on our payments. We were sued by a credit card company for failure to make payments. It is a hard thing to accept that you cannot fulfill your obligations but again the Lord provided and we were not made to repay the money we could not afford. It isn't that we didn't owe it, we did. We were just in a really bad spot and were having to chose between feeding our child and getting her to the specialists she needed to see and making credit card and house payments. I learned the importance of tithing and that God will provide, and he always does. So my faith has grown by leaps and bounds. I have always had a relationship with God but had never really been in a spot where I felt I *had* to depend on Him and Him alone. When all of this stuff with the pregnancy and Anna's diagnosis it was then that I felt I *had* to lean on Him for the strength. There was no human strong enough to guide me through the rough waters, He was the only one. And last but not least, I have really learned to be thankful, for everything I have because it could be gone in an instant...