Tuesday, June 3, 2008

What If

So I was taking Carly to school yesterday and she says, "Mommy, I don't ever want to grow up." I say to her, "That's o.k. You don't have to grow up if you don't want to." She says she would not like to get any bigger than 4. She doesn't even want to ever be 5. I asked her why and she told me it was because she doesn't ever want to be a mommy. I told her that just because you grow up doesn't mean you have to be a mommy. Being a mommy is a choice and that choice will be up to her. I then asked her why she doesn't ever want to be a mommy. She says, "Because I don't ever want to have to stay in the hospital forever like you did." My heart broke. I explained to her that not all mommies have stay in the hospital for so long and that hopefully she would not ever have to do that. She didn't seem to believe me. Every time I think the effects of my hospital stay are over I see that they are not. I guess I will not ever know how big of an effect all of this has had on her. It makes me so sad. Most little girls dream of growing up and becoming a mommy, my child is terrified of it. She finishes the conversation by telling me that "2 kids is enough because I don't ever want to lose you again." Yeah, kids are resilient but they have a memory like an elephant. I just want to erase all of the bad memories from her but I cannot. Kenneth and I had a nice conversation last night. We communicated more in 1 hour than we usually do in a month. We talked about things that matter and I feel like we are finally gaining some ground. Men and women are just so different and no amount of fighting is going to change that. Hopefully we can learn to understand each other better as time goes by. I see why "Men are from Mars..." was so popular. Kenneth finally gets why all of Anna's problems upset me so much. He finally understands why I feel responsible for Anna's problems. I put it to him like this- you were driving and you accidentally hit a kid that was riding her bike down the street. The child recovers for the most part but is left with a physical disability. Every time you see that child you feel so bad because what if you had paid more attention while driving or slowed down or done something differently. What if doing something just a little differently had kept you from hitting that child and forever changing her life. And you will never be able to go back and change what has been done but every time you see that child's face you will wonder, what if I had only...

1 comment:

  1. Carly looks like she would fit in in the 80's, pink and black, she just needs a big pink bow around her head:)