Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Trying To Stay Out Of The Gutter

Anonymous said:
"There are many opportunities/ways for things to go wrong in a pregnancy... age of parents, difficulty in getting pregnant as maybe a sign of eggs that are not so healthy anymore, diabetes in pregnancy, medications taken during pregnancy, bumps or accidents during pregnancy ... the list is endless. As a society we have been led to believe that all pregnancies end in the way we expected them to end. Sometimes, sadly, that is not so. There are so many things that can alter the outcome. Looking for a person to point to must be so tempting. I am glad that you are happy and your little girl seems to be too. Rejoice in this time of happiness and move on. Life has plenty of opportunities for future things to go not so well or just right. Look for the just right things and try to move past what isn't."

I realize that by having this blog I have opened myself up to whatever people choose to think or say about what I have to say. The above comment was posted on my blog early this morning. At first glance it made me really angry and brought me to tears. How dare someone tell me to move on when they have not walked a mile in my shoes. How dare someone act as if my "old eggs" were the cause of the problem. I was really ready to get down in the gutter and fight back. Then I called my voice of wisdom and reason (who also happens to be my sister) and was able to calm down and see things from a different perspective. Maybe the person above has walked in my shoes and knows where I have been. I do not think that is the case, I am pretty sure I know where the comment came from but I digress. I was also able to really look deeper into why I am really so angry and why I am so hurt. I realize that the fact that Anna is even alive is nothing short of a miracle. The potential was there for her to need to be delivered at 24-25 weeks in which case she might not have survived at all. I do believe there were mistakes made along the way after that and I believe they contributed to Anna's brain injury. The truth is though that I realize people are people and they sometimes make mistakes. Lord knows I have made plenty of my own. I never once thought or believed that anything done or not done had a malicious intent. What I am really angry about is the way I was treated after the fact. I feel like I deserved an "I am so sorry that things turned out the way they did and I am sorry for any pain that any decisions I made have caused you and your family." Instead I got "Shit happens." I did not deserve to be talked to like that. I am tired of being angry and I am tired of hurting. I truly want to be able to put this behind me and move on. I will not lie, there are still days I do want to get down in the gutter and fight dirty but those days are dwindling and the days that I want to take the high road are growing. I am proud of that. The problem is that I really do not know how to move on. It is a struggle that I am afraid I will deal with for a long time to come. I thought at sometime that an apology would make it all better but I know it is something I will not get, and especially not now since I have opened up the litigation dialogue. Although the litigation process is over for us I know that even if someone had been willing to apologize before that they most certainly will not be now and I am responsible for that. I own that. Through all of my pain I am still certain that Anna is and will continue to be ok. She will grow up and be all that I had dreamed of even though the road getting there was not what I had planned. At times I realize my brutal honesty and raw emotions are a lot to read and consider but this is my therapy and I am pretty certain there are others in the same place. So I am trying. I am trying to forgive. I commit to pray daily that somehow my heart will be transformed and that the forgiveness I was given even though I didn't deserve it will be something I too can give to someone who might not even deserve it. I ask you again to please be patient with me, I am trying...


  1. Beautifully said. Good will come of this. Cling to that, because it is a promise. (A promise not from me, but from someone who ALWAYS keeps His promises...)

  2. That's the bad thing about the internet--comments that come with no background and no sense of place. You are better than me--I would have had a lot of trouble looking at it from a different perspective.

  3. Katy,
    Seeing the other perspective is a work in progress. The parts of me that are stuck in the gutter would like to commend the author of that comment on their bravery, you know, posting such a balsy comment anonomously and all. I mean really, if I was such an expert on pregnancy as the poster obviously thinks they are I would want to add my name to the comment so the world could know I was so brilliant. I am pretty sure I know from where the comment originated and it suffices to say I am not impressed.

  4. ugh yeah your nicer than me.. people are so lame posting anonomously.. I have never been in your exact situation but I have been in a position where I thought certain things could have been done differently and the outcome would have been different and yes that is a hard thing to get over. I think you are an amazingly strong woman and no one has the right to judge you or your feelings.

  5. This is your way of getting it out and healing. I just came from the CPMoms board (you called, we come!!)

    At first I didn't see anything wrong with the comment but then I started to think about it. My son is 2, almost 3 years old. He is mild to severe. We don't know exactly what happened and the way I was treated was also horrid, and probably contributes to why I struggle so much now.

    It was easy when he was a baby to "forget" he wasn't typical (I could never forget, though) He wasn't expect to do as much. We now have a 9month old, typical, and I've found myself mourning all over again. It's like reliving the day he was born and the two weeks after over and over.

    Like you said, unless you've been there, you just don't know. I know there are well meaning people that try to sympathize with your situation. Recently my father told me, I have know idea what you're going through and I said thank you... it means a lot to me that you admit that.

    the hardest part, besides the isolation, is having such conflicting feelings. We CAN be happy for our child, that they're here with us, and making seemingly small accomplishments (which are huge for them) but at the same time we feel such a sadness... for them, for us.

    It would be so wonderful if we could "move" on. move on from the sadness and pain. but these are our babies. these feelings ARE normal and no matter what anyone tells us, we're going to feel how we feel.

  6. People that won't put their name to a comment are lame and cowards. I use my blog as a place to vent how I feel. Good or bad. If you don't like what I have to say, read something else. KWIM?

    I'm proud of you. The challenges you have faced and the advocate you have become. Not only for Anna, but for yourself too. I brag on Anna all the time! ;-)