Saturday, February 20, 2010

Forgiveness And A Fundo

First off, excuse the crappy formatting. Blogger and I are doing battle again...
Beth Moore has an interesting explanation of forgiveness that I think illustrates it well. Life is a pitcher (I actually prefer a bottle of Reisling over a pitcher). All kidding aside, life is like a pitcher. If your pitcher is full of anger there is no room for anything else in it. As you begin to pour out the anger you make room for other things and God will fill your pitcher with His love as you allow the anger to pour out. I am working to pour the anger out. I had to work yesterday and I had a really hard day. The work itself was not bad but I was emotionally bankrupt yesterday and it is so hard to care for critically ill people when you feel that way. I came home last night and prayed hard. I prayed this prayer over and over...
I am coming to you because I need to forgive __________. I don't have anything to bring except all of this pain and anger about what has happened. Lord, I do not know what to do with it all so I am bringing it to you and laying it at your feet. Your word says I have to forgive _________ so I am making the decision to do it. Please heal me on the inside so I can let go of this. I pray for ___________. Please deal with him in the way only you know is best. Heal him and bless him also Lord. Thank you Lord for taking all of this from me. Thank you for healing me. I ask this is Jesus name. Amen."

I woke up this morning and my heart has already begun to soften. I feel so much better today already. I know that this is just the beginning of my journey but I am so glad to have taken the right road. Work was so much easier today and I felt like there was more of me to give today. God is amazing and his capacity to heal in unending. I will continue to pray this prayer daily, along with others, and I know that I will be free from the hurt and anger.
Anna and I spent the day in Ft Worth on Monday for her neurology and GI appointments. Both went very well. At the GI appointment she weighed in at a whopping 25 lbs. That is almost 1 lb for every month she has been alive. Her goal is to gain 10-11 grams a day. She gained 8 grams a day. At her last appointment she was only gaining 5 grams a day so we are headed in the right direction. We will continue trying to go up on her feeds to up her daily gram increase. Dr Ogunmola was pleased with her gain but said if we can't get her feeds up higher without puke then she will need the fundo. I really do not want to put her through another surgery and am hoping and praying we can accomplish the increased feeds without it. We are just now back to where we were before she got sick a few weeks ago. We will keep going up slowly. We have until May to prove we can do it or else she will need the fundo. There was a time when I thought the fundo would be the fix but I have read about how painful it can be and all the venting it requires and I just don't want to add any more pain to my child's life. Then it was off to Dr. Hernandez. He too was pleased with Anna's progress. He gave us a list of things we needed to be working on and also urged us to again follow up with the geneticist. I told him we had not followed up because we were "doctored out". He said he understood but made me agree to at least follow up with her once a year. I reluctantly agreed and we will be seeing her again on March 15. Luckily she is coming to Denton so we do not have to go all the way to Ft Worth. I am so thankful for our current team of doctors and the work they do. Anna continues to do well in speech also. Brad does amazing work and we are so blessed to have him. I do not look forward to the day Anna turns 3 and we loose him. I visited the DHS office on Wednesday and am finally getting moving on TEFRA. It is a medicaid waiver type program. It will require us to keep our health insurance for Anna but will put her on Medicaid as a secondary. I have mixed feelings about it but her medical costs are huge and we need the help. I pay into the system so I guess I will accept the little help we actually qualify for. I have to go back Monday for a face to face interview with them. I already got our SSI denial due to our income so hopefully that will speed up the process.

It has certainly been a roller coaster of a week but I am proud to say I have come out on top,
and I intend to keep it that way...


  1. Our OT does a lot of feeding therapy, and she thinks Fundos can slow down the process of moving kids over to oral feeding. We never had a fundo, though, so don't take my word for it. Candace over at Living With Faith tried Baclofen and had good results with reducing her daugher's vomiting with that. Of course, it's a drug and all drugs have side-effects, but it's nice to have options.

    I agree with Beth Moore. I've often just had to say, " I want to forgive this person even if right now I'm not capable" and that has really helped me. Letting go can be tough.

  2. So proud of you. Keep fighting the good fight.

  3. Jamie,

    I followed your link from Bird on the Street. Sounds like we have a lot in common. I am an respiratory therapist. I too have been affected by pre-c & cp. Am adding your blog to my follow & blog roll. can't wait to get to know you & your girls

  4. Hi Jamie--I wanted to come by and say that OF COURSE it is difficult to have a child with disability--any disability--and I hope today's post didn't make you think I thought differently. I was trying to point out that I have trouble imagining being in that position just as much as I have trouble imagining what it would be like to have a child with a terminal illness. Just wanted to clarify. Wouldn't want you to think that I'm saying that having a higher functioning child means you can't ever be angry or depressed--of course not.