Monday, May 18, 2009
Not So Much
The melatonin was great- for about 2 days. Anna slept well those first couple of nights and then it was back to the same old song and dance. I wrestled with the idea of whether or not I was really ok with medicating her for sleep and in the end decided we had to try. It is a scary decision. It wasn't like whether or not to give Tylenol or something- this just seems so much bigger. And then I wonder if I am doing it truly for her or am I doing it for me and is that selfish and ... Then there is the medication itself- will it hurt her, are there enough long term studies... In the end I have to trust Dr. Hernandez and that he only wants what is best for us and that he would not give her something that would knowingly be detrimental to her in the future. So he called her in some clonidine. Yes, I said clonidine. It is mainly used for hypertension in adults but also works to calm sleepless children. I went to pick the medicine up and was surprised to find she would be getting 1/2 of the adult dose which seems like a lot for a 20 lb kid. Again, I just have to trust. Scared as I was, I went ahead and gave her the medicine and was suddenly overcome with a sense of relief that for the first time in 17 months Anna was going to sleep through the night- and so was I. I crushed the pill and gave it to her in applesauce. She took it like a champ and within 20 minutes was out. She has never really had a problem going to sleep though, the problem is staying asleep. Then Carly and I went to bed shortly thereafter and I was so relaxed just knowing what kind of night lie ahead. Then it happened- she woke up. Not just once but every 1- 1 1/2 hours all night. At one point I was in tears. The hope was crushed and things were worse than where they started. After 3 nights of this crap I am so frustrated and desperate and hopeless. I am in a panic. I am afraid I will never sleep again. Even when she gets older and can get up on her own is she ever going to be safe in the house or will I always be listening out for her getting up? I am afraid this will never get better. I am not usually the hopeless type- I really always believe things will get better but in this case I am just not sure. I find myself resenting Anna but I know deep down it is just fatigue and not really her. I know she didn't ask for this either. She is so cute and sweet and adorable and lovely and all of the things a girl should be and I don't want to be mad at her but I don't know what else to do. She is just a baby and I am just a crazy mother for being mad at a baby who can't help what she's doing. My heart breaks because I hate Holland right now and I just want to go back to the way things were before preeclampsia and cerebral palsy took away the normalcy we once had. I have called Dr. Hernandez office to report that things are worse and see what we do next. I'll let you know what they say. Please, God, if ever I have cried to you before I am crying to you now, please help us!!!