Bittersweet

Happy Birthday Anna! Her first birthday was yesterday but we had her party last Sunday. It was low key and quite enjoyable. It was fun to watch Anna smear her icing all over everything. I know my parents got some great pictures and I'll try to post them later when I get access to them. The ones above are from our camera and pretty much suck but oh well. I absolutely cannot believe my baby is one. This past year has been a whirlwind and by far the most bittersweet year of my life. My reflections on the past year brought smiles and tears and I am not sure which I did more of. I cannot believe all we have been though over the past year. I cannot believe the progress that we have made and I cannot believe how far we still have to go. I still cannot believe my baby has CP- some days it is acceptable and other days it just really pisses me off and then other days I still deny it. I guess the diagnosis doesn't really matter in light of the fact that she is doing so well but it is still there and not ever going away. I look at my baby and I think she is so beautiful and looks so normal and then I wonder if that's just because I am her mom. I wonder if when other people look at her if they can tell something is wrong or if she looks "normal" to them. I worked yesterday since i didn't really think Anna would know it was her birthday and we had already celebrated. I took care of a woman in DIC which basically means she was bleeding uncontrollably internally and externally due to a problem with her clotting factors. I spent the entire day in her room and at the end of my shift had transfused 12 liters of blood products to her. Her story is long and sad and although she made it through yesterday, she died at about 10:45 this morning. It broke my heart to see this woman's husband, he just kept saying how he didn't know how to live without her. Long story short- this woman went in to have a tumor removed from her ovary and then ended up with a total hysterectomy and then went into DIC and then died. So as I tried to keep my thoughts focused on my patient I also kept thinking of Anna and Carly and having the realization that DIC happens when the clotting cascade fails and in HELLP syndrome which is a variant of preeclampsia that is what happens too. I saw this lady bleed out before my eyes and as I looked at her oozing from every orifice lying there in puddles of her own blood which was dripping off of the bed onto the floor and she was too unstable to move I realized more than ever why I cannot ever have another baby. Life is short. This woman went in for a small procedure and was supposed to go home later that night or the next morning and ended up leaving in a body bag. I have seen a lot of bad things in my career and I have seen things that will forever be etched into my mind but this one tops them all. I have so much more I want to say but my bed just keeps yelling my name over and over and I have learned that it does not like to be ignored...