Kubler-Ross

Anna's second speech therapy session was today and did not go near as well as the first one. She was tired and cranky and is cutting another tooth so she was not all to willing to cooperate with Brad, our ST. Last week she was excited and was able to keep her attention focused on "speech" things for almost 30 minutes. Today it was more like 30 seconds of attention for every 5 minutes that passed. It's OK though, she is still only 19 months and I do not expect her to sit still for 30 minutes. Besides that, it is hard work for her and I know it wears her out. Today while she was busy not cooperating I left the living room and went to our bedroom to see if me not being present would help. It did not but as I sat there thinking about how we really should not have to be doing this I got mad all over again. When I learned about the stages of grief in my umpteen million psychology classes it seemed they taught us that the stages were always done in order and that they were sort of "levels" and that once you reached a level you would not be doomed to revisit that level. I was so very wrong. It seems the stages are cyclical and I am curious to find if there is an end to my cycle. It is not that I feel sorry for Anna or myself or our family. It is not that at all. I am happy we are who we are but sad at the same time that we are who we are. I know the Lord has a purpose in all of this and that his hand guides us. I know he does not want me to be sad and I know he does not want me to grieve. But I am human, and so I do. I find myself bargaining and thinking that if someone could just go back and make a better decision or a different decision that all of this would end. Time does not go back though and so here we are, unable to go back and ask for second opinions, unable to bring Anna into this world earlier to giver her a better chance. I have so many questions that I really want answered. They have nothing to do with blame but everything to do with a mother who needs to understand on a scientific level why certain decisions were or were not made. If I can understand things scientifically then I can better make sense of them emotionally. This society prevents that dialogue though. You can't ever ask a doctor why they did or did not do something even if you don't have a litigious bone in your body because doctors always must assume you are out to sue. I think that fear of being sued prevents so much of what needs to be said from actually being said. I just want a rationale for the decisions made- not to judge right or wrong, just to understand better. I need therapy...