Life in Holland: Freak Out

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Freak Out

Again, it is no secret that I want another baby...or so I thought. All was well until I went ot bed last night and proceeded deep in my head somewhere to have the ultimate freak out. If I am pregnantthis month than I will proceed and be happy about it. If not, I think I am done. I started thinking about the possibilites and the flood of emotions took me by storm. The more I read about APS (antiphospholipid syndrome) and pregnancy the more I think I need to be done. The chances of bedrest are high and the thought of being away for so long again is terrifying. The thought of not bringing home a baby when I come home from the hospital is not a happy thought. The thought of a baby dying due to a crappy placenta is too mcuh!!

1 comment:

HollyAugust 16, 2009 at 5:43 PM
I had a freak out like this when we were trying for a 2nd and then when I got pregnant with the 2nd the freak out really began! I just took eachday as it was and once I reached the point when I was pregnant with my son I was greatful for it! Alexa was born at 36 weeks and so far is a normal happy baby!:)
Whatever you decide to pregnant or not is going to be the right decision for you and your family!

Good luck:)
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I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this....When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.