The Toilet And Other Fears

Potty training, or lack thereof, is going to be the death of me. I try to tell myself to let it go but 4 year old pee and poop is just really not as easy to handle as 1 or 2 year old pee and poop. We have tried rewards. We have not punished. We have tried setting timers. We have tried just letting her wear panties to see how it goes. Newsflash- it didn't go well and none of these methods have worked. While she was still 3 it seemed OK to let it go but now she is 4 and for some reason being 4 and not potty trained is bothering me way worse than being 3 and not potty trained. Luckily she still fits in Pull Ups and will be able to for a long time to come. She just now wears the 2T-3T ones. Hell, she can still fit in a bumbo chair. So that's not the issue. I think what really bothers me is that I don't know if her not potty training is because of bad parenting or because of brain damage. Are we not doing for her what she needs to get it down and understand it? Or is it because her muscle control is poor? Or is it because she doesn't know to tell us or how to tell us? I don't know and that is what is really making me crazy. I think the fact that she will start school in the fall also makes me feel this immense pressure to have her trained by then. So then my thoughts go to what if she has to start pre-k still in Pull-Ups. Will the kids laugh at her? Will they be mean to her? I am having to start facing the reality of sending this sweet child to public school and I am scared out of my mind. I have to take her for testing tomorrow and I am scared of what they will tell me. I'm scared that it will be bad and that will make her even more different than the other kids but then I'm scared it will be too good and that they won't see that she does need extra help. It doesn't matter how many times we go in for testing, I am a nervous wreck every.single.time. That part just doesn't get any easier. I want my child to get the help and accommodations she needs but I don't want her singled out and I know I can't have it both ways. My mind is not ready for public school and my heart isn't either.