It's No Secret

I suck at keeping secrets. Well, not all secrets, just my own. It is no secret that I want another baby. I have longed to have another baby but have been so terrified of reliving the same hell as before that I was not willing to try. I finally decided awhile back that I had 2 choices, either go see the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) Specialist and see what my chances are or shut the hell up and quit whining about something I was too scared to do anything about. I can't stand people who whine about things but refuse to fix them and I realized I was quickly becoming one of those people. I made the appointment with the MFM and Kenneth and I went to see her. I had not planned on telling anyone about it but here I go again divulging my own secrets. I had actually seen her with both of the other pregnancies but for other issues. She reviewed all of my records and said that she felt I likely had some underlying autoimmune disorder and that was what had caused such an early onset of PE. She said if I did have an underlying disorder she could likely treat me with aspirin and lovenox throughout a pregnancy and I would get further along before getting sick. If I did not have the underlying problem my chances were 50/50 at best. I told her that my fear is not so much of getting sick again but of getting sick and being made to stay sick for so long and then having my child suffer for a lifetime because of it. I know that having a premature child has its own risks but I am willing to take those over continuing to "cook" a baby who clearly needs to come out. She promised to not let things go on for so long and to take the baby sooner rather than later. She also said my risk of getting gestational diabetes again was high but I am not too worried about that, it is easily managed. So they drew enough blood to restock all of the blood banks in this area and sent me on my way. Her office called me yesterday and confirmed that I indeed have an underlying disorder. I have Antiphospholipid Syndrome which consists of having a high level of anticardiolipin levels. Greek? Yeah, to me too. Basically it means my blood clots too easily and too much. I have "sticky blood." I am at a higher risk than the general population for heart attacks, strokes, DVTs, and PEs . I cannot ever take birth control pills or hormones and I should not ever smoke. I will likely have low platelets. In pregnancy it means that I will likely have many early miscarriages and a high risk of preeclampsia. The good news is that if I take a baby aspirin a day from now on these problems can likely be avoided. So she advised me to go ahead and start on the aspirin. I never thought I would be so happy to hear something is wrong with me. It explains so much!! So now we have to take this new information and decide what to do with it. Do we proceed and try again or do we call it quits? I don't know what to do. If only my heart and my brain could agree from time to time it would be so nice. I plan to pray about it for awhile and hope it becomes clear to us what to do. To remove the Mirena or not, that is the question...