Life in Holland: Her Mission

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Her Mission

I was really trying to sleep in this morning, really. Anna is still getting up 2-3 times a night and I am so exhausted. (No need to tell me to let her cry it out. She gets up to eat and is truly hungry. I have tried everything I know to up her calorie consumption during the day but to no avail. Her freaking metabolism is out of this world.) Last night was my night to sleep and for Kenneth to get up and I wanted to take the full benefit. It was 8 a.m. and I was still sleeping with the sounds of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in the background. Carly was in our bed watching tv while the grown ups tried to get a little more shut eye. Anna was *gasp* still asleep. All of the sudden I was awakened by the sound of my husband' s snoring. UGH!!!! Does anybody in this house think the mama should get to sleep? So I gave Carly a very important job (not meaning to promote violence but uuggghh). I told her to slap her daddy on the head each time he started to snore so that mommy could get a little more sleep. She chuckled and happily agreed to accept her mission. A few different times I hear a snore, then a slap, then a giggle. I continued to try to sleep. Then I hear Carly's sweet voice in my ear, "Mommy, I know I am supposed to slap daddy if he snores, but mommy, what do I do if he toots?" At that point I just had to get up, that girl cracks me up!!

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I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this....When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.