Broken Promises

After Anna's last appointment at the GI, I made a promise to myself that I would no longer weigh Anna except at her appointments. I would feed her all she would eat and tube feed her daily and not worry in the in between times. Her last appointment was in May and I had done so well...until yesterday. Without really even thinking I just threw her onto the scale. What a mistake!!! She has lost weight again. She was up to 26 lbs at her last appointment. I just knew with the progress we made in daytime tube feedings that her weight was going up. I was so wrong. She weighed in yesterday at 23.8 lbs and she is 39 inches tall at 31 months. Boo!!! It is amazing the insanity that comes with an underweight child. I am back to obsessing about each and every calorie she eats. Here is the latest growth chart and I am not really all too pleased with it. I know it is difficult to see but it has length on top and she is 100% and the bottom is weight and she is less than the 5%. I just do not understand how she can be getting more calories and still losing weight. Any ideas?

WANTED: Extra Arms

Here is a little clip from bible school. I just can't get enough of their sweet little voices! Forgive the horrible recording skills...I was trying to keep Anna under control with one hand and film with the other. Keeping Anna under control with 2 hands is hard enough so you get my point, right? I have been earnestly praying for another couple of arms but God has denied my requests thus far. I really think when you are given a special needs kid you should get at least one extra set of arms. I think the lady in front of me thought she would add to the challenge by refusing to keep her head still. Oh well, I did the best I could!

2pm-4pm = 2pm-9am?

We had Carly's 6th birthday party yesterday. She wanted a pool party so that is what we had. I have to admit I was a bit nervous about having a bunch of kids in the pool and feeling responsible for their safety but all went well. There were enough adults there to help me keep eyes on the kids and that helped. The party was supposed to be from 2-4 but ended up lasting until this morning because a bunch of the little girls ended up spending the night. We had 5 little girls in addition to my own. It was our first slumber party and I must say I am exhausted! 2 of the little girls just could not go to sleep and were up until 1 this morning. I kept trying to go to sleep but then I would hear the pitter patter of their feet running up and down the hallway and I would have to get up again. They are all gone home now and I am not sad about that! Carly had a great time though and that was what it was all about. She had asked my parents for a tent for her birthday and they went all out! She and all of her friends were planning on spending the night in the tent outside and were all settled with their bedding and then the neighbors son who is 7 came over and shook the tent and scared them half to death. Wow, 6 year old girls can really squeal! That was the official end of spending the night in the tent. So after a night of partying I am ready for a nap. I partied all night a lot in college but I think this was far more exhausting, or maybe I am getting old.

I wrote this post this morning and have been trying to post it with pictures all day and blogger is not cooperating. GRRR. Anyway, Carly went to Vacation Bible School all week last week and tonight was their performance night. It was awesome to see her so excited about her performance- she did an awesome job, they all did! If you get a chance to send your child to the "Saddle Ridge Ranch" (that is the name of the VBS cirriculum used in a lot of churches this year) you should really send your kid! Carly learned so much valuable stuff this year. Most importantly she learned that "I am who the great I Am says I am. He says that I am remarkably wonderfully made, and I am who he says I am."

Higher Than My Ways

The girls helped make and then independently decorated my birthday cake

The decorating in progress

The other day Carly decided she wanted to be a vet and opened her room up for all of her sick animals (ok, so maybe they were stuffed) to come and be healed. This was the sign she hung on her door for her clinic.

"Is Your Dog Sick?"

Work was great today! Our census is down a bit so things are moving at a slower pace and that is fine with me. I like the fast pace of the ICU but every now and then it is nice to have a day to just breathe! I am hoping tomorrow will be more of the same. I have been the charge nurse most of my shifts lately and it is getting old. I am ready to go back to taking care of the patients. My new intern will be starting soon so that means no more charging for awhile and I am thankful for that. I think this new intern will be great. He did his last clinical rotation with us and seemed very bright and eager to learn. I am so glad to be working in a place that really fosters growth in new nurses instead of eating our young like most ICUs do.

I had the most incredible conversation yesterday with a woman who has come into my life through sort of a strange set of circumstances but the meeting itself was something only God could have orchestrated. She has had some terrible things happen in her life and she has been able to overcome and forgive and her testimony is awe inspiring! She was able to make me understand so many things and realize that I really have come so far on this journey and that I have to press on. She said that even years later she still has anger come up but she takes it all to God in prayer and he honors that. I was so glad to hear that my emotions are typical and that I am not alone in what happens with me. You may wonder why the subject of forgiveness comes up in my blog so much. It is because it is something I face everyday. If a friend hurts you then you likely don't see the friend anymore and so you can in essence ignore the pain. Every time I see Anna or hook up her feeding tube or cram her full of medicine, it hurts. I know the Lord has plans for her and they are far greater than I could ever imagine but having to do those things is a constant reminder of what happened. I cannot just block out what I am faced with on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, there are a ton of joyous times too but underneath it all, the pain is still there. I think God has great plans for Anna and that she will touch so many lives that her trials will pale in comparison and I cannot wait for that day! I know she has already blessed me with so much. God does not work on my time schedule though. His ways are higher than my ways and thank goodness because most of the time my ways are certainly not the best...

Confession Time

I have a confession to make. I posted a few posts back about something I had found on the Texas Medical Board Website about a doctor involved with my and Anna's medical care. After posting that I began to wrestle with the Lord again about the spirit of unforgiveness that was shown there. I had posted about forgiving Mr. Dr. K but have remained angry with Mrs. Dr. K still. She had said some things to me that I felt were unkind. After forgiving Mr. I was rocking along and just kind of felt "done" with all of that. Then I began to feel the anger welling up inside of me again. I resisted it for a bit but then it became painfully clear that my work with forgiveness was not complete. I had given God most of my heart but held on to a tiny little bit of anger. It isn't that I had not forgiven Mr but in order to completely forgive him I have to forgive her too. I have to forgive the whole situation and not just 99% of it. I know that forgiveness doesn't mean that anger will not sometimes surface again but it means that I have to chose to do the right thing with that anger. I choose to take it to God instead of letting it make me feel defeated. When Jesus said we have to forgive "seventy times seven" I think he just meant that as a figure and not a literal number. It just meant you have to forgive over and over without ceasing. That doesn't always mean forgiving different offenses but sometimes it means being willing to forgive the same offense every time it comes back up. I think this will be one of those things I have to forgive "seventy times seven." God is really working in my life and I want to be obedient.

Awesome Things

I had a great birthday today but there were far more awesome things going on! It was also Father's Day and that was great, too, but still not the most awesome thing going on today. My brother in law has been in Iraq for 6 months. He is a surgeon and had the task of caring for wounded soldiers and Iraqi's also. My sister got word a couple of weeks ago that he would be coming home but she was somehow able to keep it a secret from the kids. Today, on Father's Day, my sister pretended it was business as usual and took the kids to Sunday school. She then left and went to the base and picked up Anthony. She got back to the church and Anthony picked his kids up from their classes- much to their surprise. Ainsley and Sam were overjoyed. Charlie was only 5 months old when Anthony left so I am not sure how excited he really was. I cannot imagine my sister's excitement. I am so proud of how she has kept everything under control while he was gone. They are a family to be admired! I must confess there was a time when my sister first married Anthony that I did not like him very much. I was so jealous that he had my sister's time and that I was no longer her #1. As with all things, time makes it better and now he is a person I love and am so proud to call my brother! If these pictures do not make you proud to be an American then nothing will!

We Will All Have Fins

I think we will all have fins by the end of summer! We went swimming after work last night and again today. The kids cannot seem to get enough of it. Anna went to daycare today so she was not with us. As I have said before, Anna takes up most of my time and so Carly needs and deserves some time with me and without her sister. She and Kenzie worked on perfecting their "twist" as they call if when coming off the slide. I covered them with sunscreen and then went to put it on myself and the can ran out. I love the aerosol kind but it is hard to tell when it is almost empty. They were adequately protected, me, not so much. I am already quite red and have only been gone from the pool for about 2 hours. I know it will continue to get worse for hours to come. Oh well, I would much rather have the sunburn than have to have sunburned kids who whine about it every 30 seconds. Moral of the story, carry more than one can of sunscreen with me at a time- I guess that is why they sold it in a 2 pack.

Kenneth's truck was having problems yesterday so he took it to the shop and they said it was a bad cam sensor (whatever that is) that needs to be replaced. They ordered the part and will put it on early next week. The weird thing is that the cam sensor on my car went out last year. What is this cam sensor and is it totally normal for them to go out on two different vehicles within a year? (Don't worry, I'm getting to the point) So Carly hears what the part Kenneth needs is and says to him,"Hmm, Momma had to put a new one of those on her car before." So my question is this- why can my 5 year old remember the names of random car parts but cannot seem to remember that her dirty underwear goes in the laundry and not in her floor? Just wondering...

Anna is still doing well with her daytime feedings. Her regular teacher was gone today and the sub got a bit freaked out and thought Anna's button had come out. I arrived to pick her up and found the teachers frantically calling me and Kenneth. Everything was fine. I again assured them they are not going to hurt her and even if the button were to come out not to panic, it will be ok.

I am off work for 4 days and am quite excited. Father's day and my birthday are both Sunday so we will hopefully do something fun. Kenneth is also off Saturday and Sunday. Yay for a family filled weekend!